Kelly Clarkson...What The Heck Are You Singing?

I went for a nice 8 mile run yesterday, and while I was out on the path this song came on my iPod and provided instant inspiration.

It was Kelly Clarkson's, "I Do Not Hook Up."

I was about 6 miles into my run, and the infectious beat was just what I needed for a quick pick me up in order to help me through the final stretch. The song, which poses as a rock song with it's guitar riffs and Kelly's almost-screaming vocals, is a pretty successful pop song...as it fits the criteria for frequent radio airplay.

Since it helped me to pick up my pace, i decided to play it one more time. So, i was still pumped up and getting ready to hear it again, when it hit me:

"What the hell kind of song is this???"

The lyrics to this song are some of the sh*ttiest lyrics I have ever heard! (Seriously...if you haven't heard the song, please youtube it!)

The song is basically an anthem for what the title says; Not hooking up. ????

However, the lyrics are ALL over the place!

First of all, who in their right mind sings a hip, pop/rock song, excited about not getting to hook up? I mean this song comes across like A PARTY! Oh Kelly...Why???

This song is definitely more suited for a Disney star like Miley Cyrus or the Jonas Brothers. (Wait...nevermind about Miley. She's probably been shacking up regularly!)

Check out some of these lyrics:

"Slow motion sparks, you caught that chill;

Now don't deny it

But Boys will be boys, oh yes they will

And I want to define it

Just give up the Game and get into me

If you're looking for thrills then get cold feet"

Ummm...WHAT????

Can someone please translate..or better yet, DECIPHER this for me?

Here's part of the chorus:

"If you want me, I don't come cheap

Keep your head in my hand, your heart on my sleeve."

"I feel the distance between us could be over

with the snap of your finger"

WHAT THE F***???

I mean, I guess i could kind of see what she is trying to say...Maybe I'm just not up to date on my cliches...

Well...clearly Kelly Clarkson, our original wholesome American Idol must've written this song, right?

No! The song was written by Kara DioGuardi, the newest judge on American Idol. Yes, the same Kara who was responsible for the shittious single "No Boundaries" that Kris Allen & Adam Lambert had to suffer through during this year's finale week!

Oh...that explains it!

Kara is also responsible for such AMAZING gems such as, "Screwed," by Paris Hilton and, "L.O.V.E." by Ashlee Simpson.

'

She also wrote a song for singer Mya called, "My Bra."

No, I'm not joking...

'
Here's a GENIUS lyric from that tune:

'

"My strength, my sun, my heart

When it's just too hard to take it

When it's just too hard to make it through another day

You're lifting me up

My bra, my bra, my bra..."

'

I sure hope that is slang for something.

'

I mean...I know that bras offer support, but I don't think of a bra when I think of trying to survive another day!

'

To be fair, yes...Kara has written a couple of 'better' songs (like "Sober" by Pink), so I will give her credit for that...and she does get credit for penning quite a few bubble gum pop tunes that have saturated Top40 radio over the past few years. However, overall her songs are pretty crappy lyrically. (Look them up on Wikipedia...songs written by Kara Dioguardi...you'll see what i mean!)

'

But Kelly, you are not off the hook!!!

'

You may not have written this peice of sh*t, but you DECIDED TO SING IT!

Nobody put a gun to your head and told you that you had to belt out this song. In fact, I bet you don't even realize what you are singing!

'

Not wanting to hook up....What is Wrong with you??? You are an adult now!

'

It's a good thing you have "Since U Been Gone" and "Behind These Hazel Eyes" in the bag, young lady!

'

I forgive you...simply because the song has such an infectious beat! In fact, now I can't get it out of my head!