My New Dawn

Hiding in the midnight
I've watched life pass me by.

Haunted by each heartbreak and mistake I've let weigh me down.

But now it feels like
This is my new dawn.

My yesterdays have come and gone.
Walked in the dark too long.
This is my new dawn.

I've washed my hands now,
I've laid down all my doubt.

I see the sun rising, baptizing,
and shining straight into my soul.

Just like a child, suddenly everything's new.

The colors collide, and I see a beautiful view.
Now I feel alive...

Reevaluating

Being on vacation for the past couple of weeks has really given me a lot of time to think about things...maybe TOO much time.

Have you ever taken a few moments to stop and look at the world around us?  Honestly, sometimes this world breaks my heart.

We have become such superficial people, where the mentality is very "me, me, me."

I don't know why, but somehow I have become more sensitive.  I don't want to live in a world like this. 

Yesterday, I was walking down the street, all the way to the right, and there were 3 people heading towards me taking up the entire sidewalk.  As I approached, not one of them moved.  In fact, the girl that I was ready to run into looked at me with such a sour look on her face.  How dare I make her have to move out of the way?

I know that sounds silly, but it is simple selfishness like this that is beginning to make me lose faith in people.  This type of behavior happens all too often.

Pick up a newspaper.  Every day there is another story of someone being murdered, robbed, or cheated.

It also pains me to see that a few of the people that I even call my friends are somewhat heartless, or cruel.  I hate it when i hear them criticize people around us for not looking a certain way, or just generally make snide comments about things that really shouldn't matter in the grand scheme.

It makes me not want to be around them.

I have a hard time even logging into Facebook anymore, as so many of the status updates break my heart.  If it isn't someone saying, "Look at me, and how I am so much better than you," then it's people complaining about not getting their way, or judging others, or just negative in general.

It's very depressing. 

I have just gotten to the point where I don't like living in this type of world.  I know that it's been this way for awhile now, but maybe I am just finally getting tired of it all.

Or, maybe it's just that I am more sensitive during the holiday season.  Christmas is kind of a rough time for me, and I can't wait until its over.

I am not perfect myself.  I am sure that I have been guilty of some of these actions, and just the thought of it makes me sick:  the thought that I may have contributed to someone else's pain.  It's like a punch to my gut.

Sorry, I just needed to vent.  I don't mean to be negative myself, but I just needed to get some feelings out.

However, I do realize that there are also many great people out there.  Some of my friends are such amazing people that really uplift me.  They are kind, caring, and make me very happy to be around them.

Those are the people that I look to when I lose faith in the human race. 

And some of you other bloggers (and readers) out there are very inspirational to me.  Your kind words say more about you than you may ever know.

Can you imagine what would happen if we all started treating each other with respect, and kindness was the law of the land?

What if we all took an extra beat or two to think about how our actions are going to affect someone else before we acted?

Say "I am"

During this holiday season, with the hustle & bustle of gift-buying, the many parties, or the general business of it all, please remember to think of others.

Not only during this season, but all year long.  Think of this before you judge:  You never know someone's story.  You might not know what they have been through...or, are going through.

A cruel word can crush a person, but a kind word may save someone.

Truth.

The only benefit to conforming is that everyone likes you but yourself.

Ready for Black Friday? ....GO!

In just a couple of days, millions of people will be waking up at the break of dawn to go out and snag a toaster for $6!

What a deal!!!

I can honestly say that I have never once woken up early to go Black Friday shopping.  As a working adult, I cherish every chance that I can get to sleep in and just lounge around the house!

However, I have gone out to shop on Black Friday...just later on in the day, after the morning CRAZINESS is over! 

Sure, I don't get the special Doorbuster deals, but that's quite alright with me.

However, if Chipotle was having a doorbuster Burrito sale, YOU BET I would highly reconsider my sleep schedule!!!

I do think it's fun to be out there with all the people when I have no real agenda.  I don't make a list of places to go to, and then have to hit all the stores up.  I don't cut out special coupons.  I just go...and if I see something I like, or someone else will like, then I buy it.

Standing in a long line, of course; But hey, I'm in no hurry.

This year, more & more people will be shopping online, as many stores are putting their Black Friday specials on their website.  That sounds excellent! 

The power of the internet!

Look...I've seen the youtube videos!  When you are done reading my excellent blog here, go to youtube and search "Black Friday stampede" and just watch what comes up!

It's pretty funny.  And it will make you examine whether or not its worth losing a limb or being trampled on for that $35 off a fax machine!

So, will you be up and at 'em early?  I definitely can see where it could be fun if you are on a family tradition.  I know people who all wake up together in order to just spend time with each other and hopefully get a few deals.

I'm not mad at that!

It just isn't really for me.  I would rather watch Oprah in my underwear, eating some pancakes.

SNL = Saturday Night Limp!

Remember when Saturday Night Live was funny? 

No, seriously...it used to be a comedy!

I remember back in high school, one of the things that we would do on Monday mornings is discuss the SNL episode that was on over the weekend.  We would rehash our favorite bits and critique the musical guests.  There always seemed to be so many funny skits to choose from. 

From the early 90s with Adam Sandler, Chris Farley and David Spade, to the mid 90s with Molly Shannon, Will Ferrell and Cheri Oteri, we got to see some real GEMS!
I wonder if the kids in high school now still do the same thing?  Do they even watch the show?

This season of SNL has been incredibly bad.  I usually watch it on my TiVo on Sunday mornings (or Sunday afternoon, depending on how good Saturday night was for me!)  and I can't even tell you how many skits I end up fast-forwarding through. 

It's an hour and a half show that I can watch in about 25 minutes!  Geesh!

WTF, Lorne Michaels?  What is wrong with your show???

Honestly, I think that there are some very talented actors on the show.  The problem seems to be the Comedy Writing team.  It might be time for some fresh blood.

And let's talk about the guest hosts:  January Jones?  Joseph Gordon Levitt? 

Sure, these are fine actors that are both involved with critically acclaimed shows/movies, but they haven't really caught on to the mainstream.  I highly doubt that middle America is going to go out of their way to tune in to see either one of them. 

And they both sucked.

There are only a couple of cast members who consistently make me laugh.  Kristen Wiig is the clear stand-out on the show!  I actually laugh out loud at so many of her characters!  Whether its a drunk Kathie Lee Gifford, the Target Lady, or Penelope, she is in a league of her own!

And who can forget her character, playing the Mara Sister with the baby hands! 
"I found a dead cat on the side of the road...  Do do do doo"



The only other person lately who has been making me LOL is Kenan Thompson. 

It's easy to dismiss him as a bit player, but his "What Up With That" skit is so funny to me.  He is also really good in "Deep House Dish" and playing the cop in the Scared Straight program.  There is no one better to play a gameshow host than Kenan!

Other than that, its very hit or miss...

And can we talk about the opening skits?  I know that SNL wants to stay relevent with current events/politics, but these skits are putting me to sleep!

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I still have hope for you, SNL. 

Maybe there's too much 'behind the scenes' politics going on, who knows?  But Lorne Michaels, let's fix this situation!  Let's strip out half of these current cast members, and go on a nationwide search to select a few more likable people!

Also, there needs to be some new comedy writers added.  Young, fresh, hip writers with new ideas.

Or, just start calling the show Kristen Wiig Live, and go from there...

Did you watch the American Music Awards?

Hello, and welcome to a short work week.  Hip Hip HOORAY!!!

First of all, I must mention how proud I am of my football team, the Call Boys, for an outstanding season!  We made it all the way to the Championship game, and came up just a little short.  However, for a team that finished in last place last year, 2nd place this year is fantastic!!!

Now...

Let's talk about the American Music Awards!

I would say that overall I was pretty entertained.  I remember just a few years ago, these award shows were full of such lackluster performances (i.e. a rapper just strutting across the stage with no rehearsed plan in mind...)

At least now it looks like the performers are TRYING again!  I would say that Lady Gaga's boundary-crossing performances have a lot to do with this!  When one artist raises the bar, the rest are likely to try to follow.

Speaking of Lady Gaga, her performance of 'Bad Romance' and 'Speechless' was the showstopper!  For such a new artist, she really is putting many of the other musical giants to shame. 

Whether you like her style of artistry or are just plain frightened of her, you have to at least admit that you look forward to seeing what she is going to do next!...and she does not disappoint there.  Since she sings live, and dances her butt off, she truly is the standard to compare the rest to.

And while we are talking about 'singing LIVE,' it's no secret that some artists are clearly lip synching their performances (Janet Jackson, Shakira, Jennifer Lopez).  However, I am not mad at that...because they at least gave us a show!  It would be different if they were just standing there at a microphone and lip synching. 

Many artists lip sync so that they are able to dance, which really is their strongpoint.  (Yes, that is ironic since it's a show rewarding singers, but whatever...)

I have to say, I thought that Jennifer Lopez' performance was one of the night's best!  That is her first song in a while that I can say was actually catchy, and she showed us that she can still dance as good as when she was a FLY girl way back when...  She did take a humbling tumble though, which was kind of funny.

JayZ & Alicia Keys, Carrie Underwood, Black Eyed Peas:  You all did a fine job.  Thank you for putting some effort into your performances.

Kelly Clarkson showed us what a beautiful voice she really has.  Whitney Houston, it is so good to see that you are back to looking and speaking somewhat coherently!

Daughtry, your song was very nice.

Rihanna, Keith Urban, Green Day:  eh...whatever.

So, let's talk about something that bothers the heck out of me...and I'm talking about YOU, Taylor Swift. 

Let me say, I like her.  I think her songs are cute, and she is a talented songwriter/guitar player.  (Vocally, a little on the weak side.)  However, she has been winning every big award on every award show so far this season.  It should NOT be such a surprise to her anymore when she wins these big prizes.

So Taylor, the "Oh My Gosh, I can't Believe It" shocked-face look is getting a little tiresome.  Just get up there and OWN it!  Don't pretend like you didn't know it was coming...

Paula Abdul's dress was nice.  Kate Hudson almost showed us her nip. 

And finally, Adam Lambert.  Without being too hard on him, I will just say this:  Adam, you don't have to try so hard.  We get it...you wanted to 'shock' us.  Gimme a break...

I really would've just preferred a nice performance that showed us why you should've won American Idol, and probably would have convinced a few more people to pick up your new album when it comes out this week. 

Instead, we got that vulgar shitshow of a performance! 

Plain & simple, he tried to outdo Lady Gaga.  He didn't pull it off.

Only a few more months until the Grammys, y'all!

Let's Go CALL BOYS!!!

Well, here we are...

My football team, The Call Boys, has made it to the playoffs in our football league, and it ALL comes down to our performance on Saturday. 

OOH...Nerve racking!!!  Can someone get me a Xanax???

We were able to finish in 1st place in our division, with a record of 8-2!  This is only our second year playing together, so that is quite an accomplishment, if you ask me.  Considering last year we were a brand new team and finished in last place with a record of 1-9. 

WHAT...a turnaround!

The first match we play is the semi-final game, and if we win that one, we will head to the Championship Game! 

I'm so anxious!  I'm sweating like a fat girl at a salad bar!

Look...whether we win or lose, I would say that we have had quite a fun, successful season.  So no matter what, this year was amazing and I love these guys more than I could tell you.

BUT I'm READY to KICK SOME ASS!

So, if you happen to be in Chicago, and want to come out and watch us tomorrow, Please Do!  We would REALLY appreciate all your support!  For game time & the field location, just send me an email.

And if you are not in Chicago, or are not able to come to the game, then please send positive thoughts and good energy our way! 

or...lots of Adderall! 

In honor of the occasion, I wrote a poem to the team.  (Yes, I often write poems to celebrate special occasions!) 

2 Wins Away

     by Paul Benjamin

I started the year with no expectation of what we could turn out to be.
But after week one, with a win in our hands, I thought, “Maybe, just maybe…We’ll see…”
Now we’re 2 wins away from that glorious title of conquering Division D
I’m so proud of you all for the hard work you’ve shown, and the squad that you’ve turned out to be!


Winning 8 out of 10 is an excellent turn around from where we finished last year
Who knew that some of you could play so aggressive when you come across looking so Queer…
But, just 2 wins away from that glorious title; I WANT it, it’s ever so near
So let’s focus, be ready and play with a fervor that says, “Yes, we do belong here!”


To the beautiful Call Boys of 2009, there’s just one thing I want you to know
We were happy to honor your wishes this year and find jerseys that didn’t quite glow.
Now, just 2 wins away from that glorious title, Come on Saturday; I’m ready to go!
I loved having y’all on the team and I feel very honored to call you my bro's.

LET'S GO CALL BOYS!!!

Sipping Vodka

A new priest at his first Mass was SO nervous he could hardly speak!  After Mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So...

Next sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. 

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He proceeded to talk up a storm!

Upon his return to his office after Mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son and Holy Spirit are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body."  He did not say, "Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry.'

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not:  Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Where's My Crab Rangoon?!?

In one specific episode of the popular television show 'Sex & The City', Miranda orders takeout from the same Asian place every single night that week.

Oh my god!  I'm Miranda!!!

Look...  I am guilty of eating Thai food probably 3 to 4 nights out of the week.   So What!

I just love how delicious it is!  And i hate cooking, so its very easy and convenient to just pick up some food on the way home, or if I am home already and decide that I don't want anything in my fridge, to have it delivered!  :)

Pad See Ewe, Pad Thai, Coconut Curry, Panang Curry, Cashew Chicken....

DON'T TEASE ME WITH YOUR DELICIOUSNESS!!!

Well, yesterday I decided (surprise, surprise!) to call up the Thai restaurant down the street and place an order.  I called right as I got off the train so that it would be ready by the time I got there.

YES, I have the restaurant's phone # saved in my phone!  Don't Judge!!!
(when you go there as much as I do, you have to work out a system!)

"Hello, I would like an order of Pad See Ewe w/ Chicken, and some Crab Rangoon...for carry-out"

"Ok, that will be about 10-15 minutes."

Weird.  Usually they say about 5-10 minutes, because those cats are quick!  But Ok, they are probably a little busy.

Well, I walk from the train to the restaurant and strut up to the counter.   See, by now the staff knows me by name.

So I was a little confused when the staff was looking at me like, "Uh oh...did you call your order in?"

"Hello!  I'm here for pick-up"

The staff starts scrambling around, looking for my order.  What the f...did they lose it? 
The woman at the counter, Lu, comes up to me and asks when I called it in...By now she is so nervous, as if someone in the restaurant dropped the ball!

A little more scrambling occurs.  Where the heck is my food? 

I am being pretty patient, but I am starting to get irritated.  I call ahead for a reason, not so that I have to wait for it when I get there.

Lu comes back and apologizes, saying that she couldn't find it.  Then she goes to ask the girl bussing tables and starts speaking to her in a language that I can not understand.  However, I'm SURE she was scolding her for answering the phone and forgetting to turn in the order for ONE OF THEIR FAVORITE REGULARS!

Oh brother...what is going on?
I know I called the order in, right?  I glance down at my phone and then I see it....

I CALLED THE WRONG THAI RESTAURANT!

OH SHITE!!!

So, Lu comes back and repeatedly says they are sorry, and asks if I would like to place an order.  By now, my face is a little red with embarrassment!  I should fess up and take the blame, right?  Well, guess what I did....

I say, "You know...that's ok.  Don't worry about it.  I am just going to leave."  And I walk towards the door.

She apologizes again.  (oops..!)

Once I hit the door, I booked it to the other Thai restaurant that is a few blocks up the road.  I get there, and sure enough, my food is sitting there, waiting for me to take it home and enjoy!

Ok, come on now...some of you have probably had this happen to you as well, right?

No?
Please?

sigh...

Goodbye to you, Bally Total Fitness!

Yesterday, I canceled my membership to Bally Total Fitness, and I have to say...I couldn't be happier!

I have been working out at Bally for over 4 years now, mainly because it is very close to my house, and the membership was quite affordable.  However, after completely losing my inspiration to work out, I knew I had to make a change.

First of all, let me say that I appreciate all the comments, emails and even phone calls that I received from so many of you about yesterday's blog. 

I was just being completely honest with my feelings, and according to your messages I am not the only one who feels the same way about food.  It's nice to hear that we are all a little emotionally crazy!  haha!

But anyway...

I knew that I had to do something completely different.  I have been OVER Bally for some time now, and even willing myself to walk in there has been a struggle.

So, I went and got a membership at the brand new LA Fitness downtown!  I am so happy about it!  Not only is the place beautifully clean, but it also isn't incredibly crowded after work. 

It could be just that its a new place, but I am actually looking forward to going to the gym again.  I have a feeling that I won't need to refill my Boniva prescription anymore!

The Bally that i was going to was always so dirty, and rundown.  Random machines were always broken, and then it would take a good week or two for them to be fixed.  There were leaks in the ceiling whenever it rained, so there would be buckets on the gym floor to trip over in order to catch the water drops. 

One of the two elevators to get to the gym would randomly be 'Out of service' which was a major inconvenience.  The staff never once said a word to me the entire time I worked out there.  It was always so hot in there, as if the staff turned up the heat so that they wouldn't be cold, but HELLO...it's a gym!  People are sweating already!

The patrons of the gym were lazy, and the staff let them be!  Nobody ever re-racked their weights.  Dumbells are lying all over the weight room floor.  There is no towel service at Bally, so nobody wipes off their machines after use.

Because of the fact that the membership is probably the cheapest around, you would get all kinds of weirdos working out at the gym.  Some people have no respect towards others, and take over 2 peices of equipment at once.  Other members would wear all kinds of random crap fashions to work out in, many not washing their clothes in between workouts.  Ugh...

Thank God that is behind me!

My new gym, LA Fitness is just a few blocks from where I work.  I am really looking forward to getting back into the routine of going to the gym immediately after work, and getting it out of the way.

At Bally, because it was extremely packed right after work, i would wait and go around 9:00 at night...which meant that half the time, I would get home, eat dinner, be comfortable, and then end up not going.  Other times, some of you would call me up, asking me to hang out or go to dinner, and then once again I wouldn't go workout.

It felt weird to workout yesterday in a new environment where I don't know anyone!  At Bally, I found myself stopping to talk to people continuously, because I have a lot of acquaintances, or people that I met, that work out there.

Yesterday, in the locker room, I met my first LA Fitness friend.  I was looking at how to work the locker (yes, lockers that are digital and you don't need a lock!  Nice!)  and this guy asked me if I knew how to use it.  Then we started making small talk about how it was my first day there, and that I came from Bally, etc.  He's an investment broker who lives in the Loop.  He was very friendly, and ended up giving me his card.  Sweet!

I have to say, my workout went longer than normal because unlike Bally, there are actually TVs on every machine, and I couldn't leave without finishing the TV show I was watching!  I can see that this is going to be a good thing for me!

So, yes...I will continue eating what I want when I feel the need to, but now at least I hope to counter those calories with a nice, wonderful workout. 

At least until I get bored and need a NEW change of scenery.  :)

Have you met my good friend: Food?

If you have even just 'sort of' read this blog before, then you know how much I love to eat!

Chipotle?  Taco Bell?  Cold Stone? 
YES YES YES!!!

I hate to say this publicly, but food is definitely my comfort.

Isn't it funny how even though at times you can be surrounded by lots of friends, you can still feel pretty lonely?  Somewhere along the way, food became one of my closest friends.

It helps me deal with depression.
It doesn't ever criticize or judge me.
It doesn't have a cruel thing to say about me.
I don't have to worry about offending it.

When I am with food, I can be myself.  It's like being with a really close friend where all my guards are down.  Sad, i know...

Ask any of my friends who have ever gone out to eat with me:  I pretty much ALWAYS finish my plate clear! 

I just keep eating!  Even when I am not hungry anymore...  I don't quite know why, but I do.

One of the reasons why I run so much is because it allows me to still eat what I want, yet not get too fat.  However, now that race season is over, and the temperature has changed, I am not running as much.  So if you see me put on a few pounds, just know that I have been spending time with my good friend, food. 

Seriously...it has even gotten to the point where it has become a pet peeve of mine when people pick food off of my plate.  DON'T YOU TOUCH MY TATER TOTS!  Or french fries!!!  That is my COMFORT you are stealing!

Of course, friends do it, and I put on a chipper face, saying "Sure, go ahead..."  But really, you don't know what you are doing to me! 

I remember one time, going out to eat with a group of friends, and my plate of food was one of the first placed on the table.  By the time everyone took just one fry, I literally have like 6 fries left. 

That was a sad day.
But i didn't let it show.

Because that would look crazy.

I don't know.  I never touch anyone else's plate.  It's just something that I don't do.  If I didn't order it, and you didn't offer it to me, then I don't eat it!

But anyway...

I have a good idea where my love of food came from.  It started when I was a kid.  My parents always used food as a reward.

"If you are good throughout the whole church service, we will go to Shoney's for lunch."
"For your birthday, I will make you whatever you want for dinner/dessert!"
"After helping us paint the garage, we will get pizza!"

My parents made 'food' something that you look forward to, instead of just a necessity to live.

And here today, I use it in that same manner.

I didn't have a very good weekend, but I did get a tad excited everytime I thought about what I would get for lunch or dinner (and of course, dessert!)...  Even when I wasn't really hungry. 

Skipping a meal was NOT an option. 

If there was a buffet anywhere near me, then I would've tore it up!

I know, I know...it's not a very healthy way to be, and I know that there are deeper issues that probably need to be worked on, but for the immediate future, just know that if I am eating, then I am happy.

At least temporarily.

Oh my, Carrie Prejean!

She can't really be THAT stupid, can she?

Everyone's favorite beauty queen, Carrie Prejean, just made this statement in an interview to Christianity Today magazine:


"I don't see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn't get breast implants."

Delusional.

Carrie may also be surprised that the bible also says nothing about electricity, sailboats, or Pepsi either!

This chick is a walking hypocrite.  

First of all, I don't care whether someone get breast implants or not.  If they give you a better self-confidence, then by all means...you are not hurting my life in any way.  Go for it.

Of course the bible doesn't say anything about breast implants.  When the bible was written there was no such thing as implants, weirdo!

However, when you have someone who is now making her living as an example of Christ, proclaiming to be a Christian and trying to live a holy life, then MAYBE people are going to be a little more critical on your choice to get huge melons!

What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of someone getting breast augmentation?  The idea that they want to be sexier, right?  Fake boobs = sex!

The bible DOES say:
(1 Timothy 2:9-10) . . .'Likewise I desire the women to adorn themselves in well-arranged dress, with modesty and soundness of mind, not with styles of hair braiding and gold or pearls or very expensive garb, but in the way that befits women professing to reverence God, namely, through good works.'

Take it or leave it.  I for one, do not follow the old testament ways. So I would never judge someone for braiding their hair, or wearing gold necklaces.  But Carrie, and other christians who pick and choose which old-testament scriptures work for them, should be ashamed!

Follow none of them, or follow all!  The bible is not a "choose what you want to believe' book.

And if the boobjob was done for vanity, then that is not the modesty that the Good Book speaks of.

Then again...this is the same woman who now has a sex-tape out there, as well as nude photos.

Which is fine...in my opinion, sex is nice.  But, don't be hypocritical about it.  OWN IT, CARRIE!!!

Look...The only problem I have with her is that she is touring the country making appearances at various churches and religious functions, preaching against the stuff that she is practicing herself!

If she is the new voice of Christianity, then God help us all!

Need You Now

Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can’t fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t call  but I lost all control and 

I need you now. 
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door.
Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t call but I lost all control and I need you now. 
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Yes I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn’t call but I’m a little drunk and 

I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.

Girl, Just sit down!

I know that it's wrong to laugh at someone else's misfortune, but I just could not contain myself yesterday!

I was coming home from work on the train around 5:30pm.  Luckily I get on the train at an earlier stop in the downtown area, so I was able to snatch one of the last remaining seats. 

We ALL know how precious a commodity getting a seat on the train is during rush hour, right?!

Well, within a couple of stops, the train gets much more full, and people have to stand in the aisle, holding on to the poles, or the bar on the back of the seats.

Well...

Little Miss Perfect Lincoln Park Trixie walks on the train in her designer sunglasses, oversized handbag, and 'too good to hold on to a dirty pole' hands.

She struts her way into the middle of the traincar, and immediately almost topples over once it jerks forward.
Her face was priceless!

I guess then she realized that she should probably hold on to something.

So she does, managing to place a couple of fingers elegantly on the bar.  Except, she stands facing forward.  I mean...come on, have you ever been on a train before?

Somehow she doesn't seem to pick up on the fact that everyone else in the middle section is standing sideways, which balances you by allowing you to shift weight from leg to leg. 

I was planning on reading some of the book that I brought with me, but the shit-show that I was in for was much more entertaining...

So for a good 5 minutes, I was enjoying one of the FUNNIEST sights I've ever seen on a train!  She was constantly jerking backward...and then forward...and her high heels were stumbling all over.

You would've thought she was drunk!

And to make matters worse, she pulls her cellphone out of her bag in an attempt to make herself look calm and comfortable, as if everyone else was looking just as ridiculous amazing as she did!

I swear, she crashed into the same guy about 6 times, and every single time she said "Oh, sorry" as if it was the first!

HAHAHA...

Ok...now I know what you are thinking.  Paulbenjamin, why didn't you get up to offer her your seat? 

I did.  Well...not at first, because I was having such a great time chuckling with the guy in the seat next to me about what a great performance we were watching! 

Also...How do you make it look like you aren't offering up the seat to her because she simply looked RIDICULOUS?  It's not like she was elderly, or pregnant.  She would've known something was up!

But...of course my guilt got the best of me.

So, at the next train stop, I looked up into her 'bug-eyed' sunglasses & expressionless face to ask, "Would you like a seat?"

Somehow, even though she had to look down at me, she still managed to lift her nose in the air.  It really was remarkable, and it was a look that I can't explain.  Now, THAT'S talent!

With a forced smile, she said, "No thank you."

I said OK, and gladly inched my way back down into my comfortable seat.  I tried, right?

Well, she remained fairly entertaining after that.  Even though she kept facing forward, she spread her legs far enough apart to remain mostly still.

Someone else offered a seat to her as well, and she continued to refuse it.

I'm telling you...she was a sight to see!  A HOT MESS!

And clearly I wasn't the only one enjoying this, because when she got off at the Fullerton stop (imagine that!) the other people on the train all started looking at each other and smiling, some even audibly laughing. 

So, do you think she realized that she looked a little out-of sorts? 
Or the better question...Do you think she even cares?

Probably not.
But it made my evening, that's for sure.

Does My Wallet Make Me Look Fat?

Hello all!

WHAT...an incredible weekend!  Not only was the temperature here in Chicago close to 70 degrees (!), but I was also able to help a couple of great pals celebrate their birthdays.  It was nice to see so many wonderful friends & acquaintances again.

Happy Birthday Curtis, Jason, & Kevin!

Saturday night at the beautious Scarlet bar, I was chatting with someone I hadn't seen in a while and decided to buy him a drink.  About 20 minutes later, he hunted me down to reciprocate the gesture.

What a nice guy!

Standing at the bar waiting to be served, this friend of mine (who I will call 'Chris') kept pulling out small wads of dollar bills from his pocket.  No joke...just all wadded up like a child would do.

"You need to put that money in your wallet!  You are going to lose some of that," I said.

"I don't carry my wallet out to the bars," Chris replied.

Oh.

Ah, i get it.  I mean, that is a pretty smart idea.  You never know who could jack your wallet from your pocket if you aren't paying attention...or if you get a little too tipsy and accidentally misplace it.  For example, leaving it on the seat of a cab when you are exiting... 

Yeah, i get it.

"I don't want to look fat."

???

Umm...what?

I looked at him with that confused, 'are you kidding me' look for a second too long, causing him to feel the need to explain.  He said something to the tune of "the wallet makes you look bottom heavy."

First of all, he has a pretty flat ass, so in my opinion, a wallet would probably help!  (But that's just me...)

"You should get yourself one of those money clips then."  You know, so you won't have to ball it up and not know how much you have left, right?

"No, that will make my pockets look bulky."

He has to be joking. 

But for his sake, I let it go...  I mean, everyone has their 'things' and this is clearly one of his.

So, you KNOW I went to the bathroom and started examining the back of my wallet-filled jeans in the mirror.  Yes, it made my pocket stick out a little more, but did that mean i looked fat?  Were people looking at me thinking, 'Damn, look at that fatass walking around!'?

I highly doubt it. 

And if they do think that, it's probably not because my rear pocket sticks out a little!

(Most likely it's from the 3 slices of pizza from Piehole!  Bokay?!)

Then, i discovered that 'Chris' also only carries his single door key to get back into his house, not the whole keyring.

So, clearly he is dealing with a weight problem.  :)

Look...I say, if you have a small ass then carry the fattest wallet possible!  I highly doubt that someone who is attracted to you is going to say, "Oh God...look at that HUGE back pocket!"

PBenj's Movie Review: Paranormal Activity

Ooh...it's scary movie season!  Last night, I went to see the movie 'Paranormal Activity' with my good friend Ray Pankey.

I do love a good fright!

Now, don't worry...there are NO spoilers here, as I am not one to give away movie endings!  I want you all to enjoy and experience it for yourselves.

The feelings about this movie are pretty split, with opinions ranging from very positive to some pretty adamant, 'I did NOT like it AT ALL' comments.

Personally, I am giving it 2 thumbs up!

However, it took me a few minutes to come to that conclusion.  The movie is one that made me think about it lonnnnng after leaving the theater.  Therefore, it was a success in my book!

So, Ray and I decided to go to an early evening showing, so that by the time we exited the theater it would be DARK and we could continue being spooked!

Ooh...exciting!  I forgot to bring a Boniva, so I was going to have to get through this on the bone-density that I currently had!

The movie wasn't too packed, which was nice.  The previews that were playing before the film started were all for other scary movies, and they were starting to scare the bejeezus out of me!  I was nervous that Ray was going to wet himself! 

For the most part, everyone was very well-behaved.

However, there was one couple down the aisle who decided to bring their kid!  WHAT THE....????

But isn't there always at least one clueless family?  The little boy looked like he was about 6-7 years old.  Way to go, genius family!  You probably just freaked out your kid enough so that he has nightmares for years to come.  Bravo to you!

The dad of this incredibly bright family also decided to answer his cell phone in the middle of the theater, and carry on a minute-long conversation during a part of the movie that was dead silent.  Either he was too stupid to know that you are supposed to turn your phones off, or he is just so incredibly selfish that he doesn't give a sh*t about others around him.  (I'm guessing it's both!)

Besides this specific family, it was a great experience!

The movie focuses on a young couple, Micah & Katie, who decide to videotape themselves around the clock in order to document paranormal activity in their house.  Katie has been haunted since she was a child.

Katie, as a character, gets annoying.
Micah is very nice eye candy!

The movie moves along at a very quick pace, and I found that I was never bored.  The entire thing was thoroughly entertaining! 

I went into this blind, not reading anything about it, or seeing any movie trailers.  Therefore, I was clueless as to what was going to happen.  From the beginning, they had me convinced that this was actual, real footage...but then there were a couple of scenes where the dialog was pretty cheesy and unrealistic, which made me realize that it was fiction. 

When the movie was over, there were a few people in the theater who let out groans, including the ridiculous lovely family down the aisle.  I even heard the dad say out loud, "Man, I want my money back..."

But for the most part, people were leaving the theater generally pleased. 

It amazes me that 'Paranormal Activity' was made on a budget of $15,000.  Yeah, that's right.  $15,000.
So far, the movie has grossed close to $70 million dollars!

I would say that the producers made a good investment!

Luckily, I was able to sleep soundly throughout the night last night, but that's because my apartment is already haunted, and I am used to the ghosts being silly...   :)

Either that, or the drinks I went out for after the movie kicked in!

So, in conclusion...

If you are looking for 'jumping out of your seats' thrills, then this movie isn't for you.  However, if you like that eerie, freaky, spookiness of a movie, similar to the Blair Witch Project, then you will really enjoy this film!

You will remain thoroughly entertained throughout the entire film.  Therefore, whether or not you like the ending or not, you will have a great movie-going experience. 

And that...is just my humble opinion.

You can stand under my UMBRELLA-ella-ella....

Have you ever wanted to form an opinion about something, but just can't?  I have found a topic that I am kind of stumped about:  Oversized Umbrellas.

I know...that sounds like silly talk, but hear me out.

Walking down the busy downtown Chicago sidewalks on a sunny day can be annoying at times.  All those people...walking slowly, walking in all directions, coming at you from the left and the right.

But on a rainy day, it's a different story; having to dodge everyone's umbrellas.

Then inevitably, there is always someone coming right at you with a HUMONGOUS umbrella.  As much as you try to go around it, there is nowhere to go...and usually the person holding it doesn't give a rat's ass whether or not they take out your eye as it smacks you in the face!

Therefore, I sort of came to the conclusion that it is very rude to have these over-sized monstrosities while walking down a busy sidewalk!

(Come on, my fellow friends who work in a larger city with heavy foot traffic...You know what I'm talking about, right?  Back me up here!)

But after mumbling under my breath for a minute about how inconsiderate those people are, I think to myself, "Wow, it would really be nice to have one of those..." 

HAHA!

I do live in the Windy City afterall, and sometimes I end up just using my own small umbrella as a shield, holding it out in front of me to charge against the wind & rain coming straight at me!  One of those supersized umbrellas could really keep me dry!

But no...I can't see myself getting one.  Mostly because I know that I would feel so guilty walking down the street with it, probably constantly moving it out of the way for people, apologizing non-stop to everyone that I hit. 

Either that, or I would hold it up SO HIGH in the air so that people can walk under it as they pass, that it wouldn't be effective anymore.

I believe they are called 'Golf Umbrellas,' not 'downtown Umbrellas.'  Which means that they are probably best suited for big, open spaces, like a golf course.  Or a park.  Or the suburbs.

Hey suburbanites, I know you are used to comfort and luxury in everything you do, but please LEAVE your big umbrellas in the burbs.  Thanks!

So, if I did come to some kind of conclusion to my intelligent thought nonsense and rambling here, I guess it would probably be that Oversized Umbrellas are fine in the appropriate places for them.  Or, if you are sharing it with a few other people.

You could just have 2 umbrellas.  A smaller, more appropriate one for the city, and then a larger one for your own neighborhood.

Or a parasol.

You know what i really want, is one of those clear umbrellas that come down on the sides really far.  Like a bubble.  That would be perfect.  Where can I get one of those?

So, what do you think?  Have you formed an opinion about this? 
Am I incoherently digressing again?    :)

Everybody, KARAOKE!

Last night, I attended the birthday party for one of my favorite people in the whole world, Rich Moen!  We decided to spend the evening singing Karaoke tunes and let me tell you...we had a blast! 

Once the singers started performing, and the drinks started flowing, everyone turned into a rockstar!  HAHA!

I am a big fan of karaoke.  I like doing a type of activity that allows people to let their guard down and just be silly!  It's SO much better than just going to a bar and standing around...

For a ham like me, getting up to sing a little ditty is something I am very comfortable with and need no coaxing.  HAHA!  But I realize that for others, it's not so easy...worrying about what others will think of them.  Will they look foolish?  Will people laugh at them?  Will they pick the wrong song?

As Randy Jackson & Paula Abdul like to say...Song choice is a BIG factor!

Well...Below is a Guide that i think you will find to be pretty much spot on! So, whether you are a rookie karaoke-er, or a seasoned veteran, this list can maximize your karaoke impact!  :)

BEST:


1) The cherished (80s) rock songs - I stuck 80s in there because there are so many good ones from that era. Bon Jovi, Guns n' Roses (though be careful with GnR cause some of their songs are LOOONG), and hair bands like Poison or Def Leppard are great karaoke fun. Who doesn't like to hear "Pour Some Sugar on Me" in a bar? These work so well because we hardly hear these songs anywhere else these days.

2) The silly, yet fun pop songs - These work well because they're songs people secretly enjoy--and you might be surprised what people secretly enjoy. "Living La Vida Loca" by Ricky Martin is one that the crowd actually really enjoys. Other good ones are Ace of Base "The Sign," Spice Girls "Wannabe," George Michael "Faith," "Lady Marmalade" (for true singers) and if you're feeling really brave...try Wham "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go
 
3) The successful duets - Duets are tough. Most people avoid them, but there are a few that everyone loves. "Love Shack" by the B52s and "Summer Nights" from Grease will never lead you astray.
 
4) Journey - Everybody loves Journey. Even if you won't admit it, you love Journey. HOWEVER, and I stress this, don't try to sing Journey if you can't hit those notes or if you're tone deaf. The crowd will drown you out if you can't sing, but Journey is much more karaoke fun if the person up there can actually sing. The obvious ones are "Don't Stop Believing" and "Faithfully," but I've also seen some great renditions of "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)." Pick a song, any song. They're all bomb.
 
5) The songs everybody knows but forgot about - Bringing a song back that used to be popular is always fun. "Semi Charmed Life" by Third Eye Blind, old Elton John like "Crocodile Rock," or songs like Natalie Imbruglia's "Torn" can work well because people go, Oh yeah, I remember this song!! They make good karaoke songs for the nostalgia factor.

6) The girl anthems - Here you've got your female empowerment songs, and a few that are just awesome. Try some Tragic Kingdom-era No Doubt, Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood's "Before He Cheats" (which is vastly becoming a crowd favorite and is the only acceptable "country" song to sing).
- Side category: The 80s girl anthem - Pat Benatar's "Hit Me With Your Best Shot," anything by Blondie, Cyndi Lauper, or if you really can't think of anything else to sing, Joan Jett's "I Love Rock 'n Roll."

7) The old school hits - These are the old dude favorites. But no matter your age, these songs are always good. Kicking it old school is always appreciated - Frank Sinatra, Elvis Presley, "What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong, or "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" are a few faves

8) The left field crowd pleasers - If you can sing for real and you're feeling crazy.... try some crowd pleasers most people wouldn't think to sing for karaoke. Like "Let's Get it On" by Marvin Gaye. Or some James Brown. Something that requires crooning or massive singing skills.

9) The dancing songs - These are the songs that are going to make people get up and dance. ABBA is great for this. Britney can also work, but it depends on the song. "Baby Got Back" is also a dancing gem, but make sure you know the words.

10) Anything singalongable - This covers any songs that people like to sing to. Weezer is a crowd pleaser, Madonna and Billy Idol too. People always enjoy "Sweet Home Alabama" too. Even though it's overdone, it's a fun singalongable song.


WORST:


1) The songs EVERYBODY sings - If I never hear "Sweet Caroline," "Margaritaville" or "Brown Eyed Girl" ever again, it would be too soon.

2) The songs nobody knows - If your friends go "Huh?" when you mention an artist or song, it's probably not a good one for karaoke. Why it's even in the book is beyond me. People will be bored if they don't know the song you're singing. Old dudes are infamous for pulling these out.

3) No long slow songs - The biggest problem with slow songs is that they're painfully long. An old guy favorite in this category is Elton John's "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me." Anything with a similar tempo should be avoided, especially if it's 8 minutes long.

4) No more sad songs - Anything about dying or death or songs that make people cry should not be brought into a karaoke platform. Once, a girl sang "I Will Remember You" by Sarah McLachlan and then immediately went into "Goodbye to You" by Michelle Branch as her next choice. If you're depressed, don't sing karaoke.

5) The awkwardly sexual song - While "Baby Got Back" is fun*, don't think sexual songs fly with karaoke crowds. Once you get into "The Bad Touch" by the Bloodhound Gang or "I'll Make Love to You" by Boyz II Men, people start to feel uncomfortable (we actually sang the latter once...it was AWKWARD). Another one to avoid is "I Wanna Sex You Up" by Color Me Badd. It's not funny- just awkward.
* This song is best sung when everybody's had a few drinks in them.

6) The rap songs, by someone who can't rap - This doesn't happen very often (most people know better), but I've seen it. Basically: White girls should not try to sing Snoop Dogg. I'm not being racist; I say this based on the fact that most white girls cannot rap. White guys also should not try Eminem songs. Just because he's white does not mean that you, normal white guy, can rap. Leave the rapping to the rappers.

7) Songs that are plain annoying - My favorite in this category is LEN's "Steal My Sunshine." When the song title comes on the screen, the audience GROANS. Groans. No joke. Stay away from songs people just don't like. Aqua's "Barbie Girl" would be another groan-inducing one. Creed and Nickelback also go in this category.

8) The 10 minute long song - I'm talking to you, "Bohemian Rapsody" and "Thriller." It sounds like a good idea because people like these songs, but trust me...by 7 minutes, people are bored. Sure they'll sing along for a while. But these songs are Just. Too. Long. And absolutely no "Freebird" or "Hotel California" either!!

9) Songs with very little lyrics or long instrumental sections - Usually the only time this happens is after the 10th sake bomb, but it's a good reminder to know what you're singing before you put it in. Songs like "Tequila!" should never be karaoke'd. This also applies for songs like "Paradise City" by GnR...it's got a forever and ever instrumental section right in the middle, making it a weird song for karaoke. "Love is a Battlefield" by Pat Benatar...same thing. Listen to your karaoke songs before you hit the bar.


So there you have it. 
Hopefully this will help you next time you are looking through those books, trying to decide on what to sing for your big number.

I want to give a shout out to M. Rose, funny writer and creator of this list, for making me laugh and providing excellent insight into effective karaoking.  This girl rocks and knows what she is talking about!  She wrote a really funny list of songs that work and songs NOT to sing.  Great job, girl!

Now everyone...go out there and knock their socks off!

Hopefully, This Will Make You Feel Smarter...

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news.  A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.

Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50.  The redhead said,

     "I can't take this, you're my friend."

But the blonde insisted saying,

     "No. A bet's a bet."

Then the redhead said,

     "Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."

The blonde replied,

     "Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"

________________________________________________

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.
First Blonde:


     "I can't seem to get this door unlocked!"


Second Blonde:


     "Well you better hurry up.  It's starting to rain and the top is down!"

________________________________________________

A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45.  The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,

     "You know, it's the weirdest thing.  I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."

________________________________________________

A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a blonde girl painting the walls.  She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.

Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.


She showed him the instructions on the tin,


     "For best results, put on two coats."

________________________________________________

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement.  He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed the car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

Hold on to your phone, chronic phone-loser!

As I was lounging around watching some football yesterday afternoon, I decided to log in to facebook to see what everyone was up to? 

Sure enough...I saw a certain facebook status that I seem to see every weekend:  Lost my phone, please send me your numbers!

Aww, that really sucks for that person.

You know that you see this same status update too!  It has become all too familiar!

Another one I've seen WAY more than should be is "dropped my phone in the urinal...need new one." 

WTF???  Why are you talking on your phone or texting while peeing? 

I mean, I would absolutely HATE to lose my cellphone, as it has so much information on it.  My email, my calendar, my contacts...  Gotta hang on to that tightly!

But I do understand.  In some moment of weakness, whether it is due to an overabundance of alcohol or not, these people let down their guards for a second.  And POOF...missing phone.

I am sympathetic to you, as we all have misplaced things here or there.  We are only human, right?

However, I find it difficult to feel any sympathy for those of you who are constantly losing your phones.  I'm sorry, but come on already!

Yeah, i said it!

We all know them.  "Lost my phone again...I don't know why this keeps happening."

Ummm...could it be that:
1) You are completely irresponsible, and don't think before you do things?
2) Or...maybe you're just a drunk who can't control yourself?
3) Or...maybe you don't use your own hard-earned money to pay for your personal belongings, so you don't value things as much?

Probably.

I happen to be friends/acquaintances with a few chronic offenders.  And pretty much, they can be easily associated with at least one of the 3 qualifications I had just listed.  Or, all of them...

When I go out and know I will be drinking generously, there are 4 things that I place on my body to make sure that I have them with me at ALL times:  My wallet, my phone, my house keys, and my chapstick.  (the chapstick is a personal addiction of mine, so you can disregard that one if it doesn't apply to you.  he he...)

NOT inside a coat pocket, because that gets taken off and set down.
NOT held in my hands.
NOT given to someone else to hold for me.

But actually 'on my person.'  In my pockets, no matter how bulky they may look. 
At least then I have the peace of mind that they are there!

I want to help you.  Because I love you...and I know how awful I would probably feel if I lost my phone,

So, if you are someone who loses your cellphone quite frequently, then give this a shot!  Make the checklist, and run through it a couple times a night to make sure you still have everything! 

Then, go have another drink, with the serenity & tranquility that ALL is right in the world!  :)

Free Couch! - Emails from an Asshole

ORIGINAL AD: 

IF ANYONE HAS AN UNWANTED COUCH I CAN COME GET IT.  WILL
TRAVEL UP TO 20 MINUTES FROM CONSHOHOCKEN.  PLEASE SEND
PICTURES.  THANKS.

From Me to Juan:

Hi There!  You can have my couch if you are still looking for one.  Let me
know!  You can either email me or call me.

From Juan to Me: 

HI

I STILL NEED YOUR COUCH.
HOW BIG IS IT?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PICTURES?
WHY DO YOU NOT WANT IT ANYMORE?

YOU DID NOT GIVE ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER SO I CAN'T CALL YOU.

From Me to Juan:

Juan,

The couch can seat three normal people, or two fat people.  I don't have any
pictures because my camera is broken.  (I didn't realize it was in the garbage
disposal when I turned on the switch.)

I am getting rid of the couch because my grandfather passed away on it a
few weeks ago.  Every time I look at it, I am reminded of it, and I would rather
it not be in my apartment anymore.  Just give me a call and we can set up a
time for you to come get it.

From Juan to me:

IS THE COUCH STILL IN GOOD CONDITION?  YOU STILL DID NOT
GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER.

From me to Juan:

The couch is still in very good condition.  There are only a few minor
blemishes, but you can't really notice them.  There is a little bit of blood on
the couch and a pool of blood on the middle cushion from when my
grandfather shot himself.  I tried cleaning it with club soda, but it had really
soaked into the fabric by the time I found him.  The blood dried though, and
now it is kind of a brown-ish color that I think actually makes the couch look
better.  It is a brown couch anyway so you can't even notice it.

From Juan to me:

NO THANKS

From me to Juan:

Why not?  I thought we had a deal.  Is it because of the blood?  You can just
turn the cushion over and nobody will have any idea. 

From Juan to me:

THE COUCH IS COVERED IN BLOOD.  WHO WOULD WANT THAT?
GROSS!

From me to Juan:

Don't put words in my mouth.  I never said it was covered in blood - it just has
a little blood here and there.

I did forget to mention, I believe my grandfather defecated on the couch
when he died (the paramedics say it happens all the time.)  I cleaned most of
that up, but once again the couch is brown so you won't even notice it.

And this probably isn't a big deal, but he also had a cigar in his mouth and
when he died it set part of the couch on fire.  On the plus side, it did burn
away some of the old urine stains that the couch had on it.  The couch no
longer smells like urine.  It kind of smells like a barbecue, which is great if you
love barbecues.

From Juan to me:

THAT COUCH IS FUCKED
THROW IT OUT!

From me to Juan:

Why would you waste my time if you weren't going to take the couch?  I'm sick
of having to deal with people like you.  I'm just trying to get rid of a decent
couch, for free, and still people are wasting my time.

From Juan to me:

IF YOU TOLD ME UP FRONT THAT SOMEONE DIED AND SHIT ALL OVER
YOUR COUCH THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE WASTED ANY MORE OF YOUR
TIME!!
DON'T YOU SPIN THIS ON ME BY TELLING ME THE COUCH LOOKS GOOD
WITH BLOOD OR SMELLS LIKE A BBQ.  WHO THE FUCK WANTS A
COUCH THAT SMELLS LIKE BBQ.   IF I WANTED TO SMELL BBQ I WOULD
BUY A FUCKING GRILL

From me to Juan:

Would you be interested in the grill I am selling then?  It is a CharCooker 500
and has three burners.  Two of them don't work because my grandfather shot
at the grill when he was drunk, but the middle burner still cooks food really
well.  I'm asking $400 for it, and for you, I'll throw in a couch for free.

From Juan to me:

I DON'T WANT YOUR USELESS SHIT GUY!!!!

- DontEvenReply.com

Emails from an Asshole!

Please Don't Make Me Listen to That...

How do I say this in the nicest way possible?  Hmmm...

I don't want to come across as mean, or rude, but,

I HATE WHEN KIDS SING!

There.  I said it!

I know, I know...That makes me sound evil, but I'm sorry!  I hate the sound of children singing.  Always have.  Even when I was a kid, I couldn't stand it!

Please, Don't ask me to listen to your child belt out a number.  There is nothing worse than when a co-worker or friend makes the whole room stop for us to listen to the new song that Susie learned.  I know, Susie is the cutest little girl in the whole world, but I would rather listen to nails on a chalkboard than to hear that amazing frail little voice sing the entire Star-Spangled Banner.

Seeing a kid perform in a Talent Show?  UGH!
Kids Karaoke?   The WORST!
Going to a musical for kids under Junior High Age?   OH GOD NO!!!

Now...i honestly don't mind it when a kid is in his/her room, singing a random song about 'pooping their pants' or something.  I can handle that...  and it's kind of funny.  :)

But listening to a child perform?  Are you kidding me?

Hey Ellen, Oprah, Jay Leno and whoever else puts child musical stars on their talk shows...  I know that you are trying to win over the mothers as fans, so I get it.  However, I can't help but wonder whether you are ready to claw out your eyeballs too when these young'uns are booked as guests on your shows.

Even when a 9 year-old DOES have a great, mature-sounding voice for their age, they still don't have a clue what they are singing about!  When a 6 year-old girl gets up on stage and belts out an emotional anthem like "All By Myself" or "I Will Always Love You" and smiles the entire way through it, oh God...where is the remote control?!?

I would love to believe that this 6-year old has lived enough life to feel the emotions that they are singing about. 

Have you heard of "Kidz Bop?"  It's this album full of modern-day radio hits, but they are sung by children (I guess children like hearing other children sing.)  You gotta love the children's version of "When I Grow Up" by the Pussycat Dolls!

They also do a version of "Just Dance" by Lady Gaga.  There is just something a little sick and twisted about hearing a adolescent sing the line, "wish I could shut my playboy mouth..."

Look.  There is always a chance that I will have a child of my own one day, and I will be SO in love with him/her that I will learn to enjoy the over-pronunciated lyrics and the Britney Spears imitations. 

But, I doubt it.

And when my child would perform in school musicals or holiday performances, I would definitely be there to support him/her, but inside I will probably be wishing that my kid had helped design the set or worked on lighting or something...

By the way...Did I tell you that I love YOUR child though?   :)