Let's Go CALL BOYS!!!

Well, here we are...

My football team, The Call Boys, has made it to the playoffs in our football league, and it ALL comes down to our performance on Saturday. 

OOH...Nerve racking!!!  Can someone get me a Xanax???

We were able to finish in 1st place in our division, with a record of 8-2!  This is only our second year playing together, so that is quite an accomplishment, if you ask me.  Considering last year we were a brand new team and finished in last place with a record of 1-9. 

WHAT...a turnaround!

The first match we play is the semi-final game, and if we win that one, we will head to the Championship Game! 

I'm so anxious!  I'm sweating like a fat girl at a salad bar!

Look...whether we win or lose, I would say that we have had quite a fun, successful season.  So no matter what, this year was amazing and I love these guys more than I could tell you.

BUT I'm READY to KICK SOME ASS!

So, if you happen to be in Chicago, and want to come out and watch us tomorrow, Please Do!  We would REALLY appreciate all your support!  For game time & the field location, just send me an email.

And if you are not in Chicago, or are not able to come to the game, then please send positive thoughts and good energy our way! 

or...lots of Adderall! 

In honor of the occasion, I wrote a poem to the team.  (Yes, I often write poems to celebrate special occasions!) 

2 Wins Away

     by Paul Benjamin

I started the year with no expectation of what we could turn out to be.
But after week one, with a win in our hands, I thought, “Maybe, just maybe…We’ll see…”
Now we’re 2 wins away from that glorious title of conquering Division D
I’m so proud of you all for the hard work you’ve shown, and the squad that you’ve turned out to be!


Winning 8 out of 10 is an excellent turn around from where we finished last year
Who knew that some of you could play so aggressive when you come across looking so Queer…
But, just 2 wins away from that glorious title; I WANT it, it’s ever so near
So let’s focus, be ready and play with a fervor that says, “Yes, we do belong here!”


To the beautiful Call Boys of 2009, there’s just one thing I want you to know
We were happy to honor your wishes this year and find jerseys that didn’t quite glow.
Now, just 2 wins away from that glorious title, Come on Saturday; I’m ready to go!
I loved having y’all on the team and I feel very honored to call you my bro's.

LET'S GO CALL BOYS!!!

Sipping Vodka

A new priest at his first Mass was SO nervous he could hardly speak!  After Mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So...

Next sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. 

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He proceeded to talk up a storm!

Upon his return to his office after Mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son and Holy Spirit are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body."  He did not say, "Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry.'

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not:  Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Where's My Crab Rangoon?!?

In one specific episode of the popular television show 'Sex & The City', Miranda orders takeout from the same Asian place every single night that week.

Oh my god!  I'm Miranda!!!

Look...  I am guilty of eating Thai food probably 3 to 4 nights out of the week.   So What!

I just love how delicious it is!  And i hate cooking, so its very easy and convenient to just pick up some food on the way home, or if I am home already and decide that I don't want anything in my fridge, to have it delivered!  :)

Pad See Ewe, Pad Thai, Coconut Curry, Panang Curry, Cashew Chicken....

DON'T TEASE ME WITH YOUR DELICIOUSNESS!!!

Well, yesterday I decided (surprise, surprise!) to call up the Thai restaurant down the street and place an order.  I called right as I got off the train so that it would be ready by the time I got there.

YES, I have the restaurant's phone # saved in my phone!  Don't Judge!!!
(when you go there as much as I do, you have to work out a system!)

"Hello, I would like an order of Pad See Ewe w/ Chicken, and some Crab Rangoon...for carry-out"

"Ok, that will be about 10-15 minutes."

Weird.  Usually they say about 5-10 minutes, because those cats are quick!  But Ok, they are probably a little busy.

Well, I walk from the train to the restaurant and strut up to the counter.   See, by now the staff knows me by name.

So I was a little confused when the staff was looking at me like, "Uh oh...did you call your order in?"

"Hello!  I'm here for pick-up"

The staff starts scrambling around, looking for my order.  What the f...did they lose it? 
The woman at the counter, Lu, comes up to me and asks when I called it in...By now she is so nervous, as if someone in the restaurant dropped the ball!

A little more scrambling occurs.  Where the heck is my food? 

I am being pretty patient, but I am starting to get irritated.  I call ahead for a reason, not so that I have to wait for it when I get there.

Lu comes back and apologizes, saying that she couldn't find it.  Then she goes to ask the girl bussing tables and starts speaking to her in a language that I can not understand.  However, I'm SURE she was scolding her for answering the phone and forgetting to turn in the order for ONE OF THEIR FAVORITE REGULARS!

Oh brother...what is going on?
I know I called the order in, right?  I glance down at my phone and then I see it....

I CALLED THE WRONG THAI RESTAURANT!

OH SHITE!!!

So, Lu comes back and repeatedly says they are sorry, and asks if I would like to place an order.  By now, my face is a little red with embarrassment!  I should fess up and take the blame, right?  Well, guess what I did....

I say, "You know...that's ok.  Don't worry about it.  I am just going to leave."  And I walk towards the door.

She apologizes again.  (oops..!)

Once I hit the door, I booked it to the other Thai restaurant that is a few blocks up the road.  I get there, and sure enough, my food is sitting there, waiting for me to take it home and enjoy!

Ok, come on now...some of you have probably had this happen to you as well, right?

No?
Please?

sigh...

Goodbye to you, Bally Total Fitness!

Yesterday, I canceled my membership to Bally Total Fitness, and I have to say...I couldn't be happier!

I have been working out at Bally for over 4 years now, mainly because it is very close to my house, and the membership was quite affordable.  However, after completely losing my inspiration to work out, I knew I had to make a change.

First of all, let me say that I appreciate all the comments, emails and even phone calls that I received from so many of you about yesterday's blog. 

I was just being completely honest with my feelings, and according to your messages I am not the only one who feels the same way about food.  It's nice to hear that we are all a little emotionally crazy!  haha!

But anyway...

I knew that I had to do something completely different.  I have been OVER Bally for some time now, and even willing myself to walk in there has been a struggle.

So, I went and got a membership at the brand new LA Fitness downtown!  I am so happy about it!  Not only is the place beautifully clean, but it also isn't incredibly crowded after work. 

It could be just that its a new place, but I am actually looking forward to going to the gym again.  I have a feeling that I won't need to refill my Boniva prescription anymore!

The Bally that i was going to was always so dirty, and rundown.  Random machines were always broken, and then it would take a good week or two for them to be fixed.  There were leaks in the ceiling whenever it rained, so there would be buckets on the gym floor to trip over in order to catch the water drops. 

One of the two elevators to get to the gym would randomly be 'Out of service' which was a major inconvenience.  The staff never once said a word to me the entire time I worked out there.  It was always so hot in there, as if the staff turned up the heat so that they wouldn't be cold, but HELLO...it's a gym!  People are sweating already!

The patrons of the gym were lazy, and the staff let them be!  Nobody ever re-racked their weights.  Dumbells are lying all over the weight room floor.  There is no towel service at Bally, so nobody wipes off their machines after use.

Because of the fact that the membership is probably the cheapest around, you would get all kinds of weirdos working out at the gym.  Some people have no respect towards others, and take over 2 peices of equipment at once.  Other members would wear all kinds of random crap fashions to work out in, many not washing their clothes in between workouts.  Ugh...

Thank God that is behind me!

My new gym, LA Fitness is just a few blocks from where I work.  I am really looking forward to getting back into the routine of going to the gym immediately after work, and getting it out of the way.

At Bally, because it was extremely packed right after work, i would wait and go around 9:00 at night...which meant that half the time, I would get home, eat dinner, be comfortable, and then end up not going.  Other times, some of you would call me up, asking me to hang out or go to dinner, and then once again I wouldn't go workout.

It felt weird to workout yesterday in a new environment where I don't know anyone!  At Bally, I found myself stopping to talk to people continuously, because I have a lot of acquaintances, or people that I met, that work out there.

Yesterday, in the locker room, I met my first LA Fitness friend.  I was looking at how to work the locker (yes, lockers that are digital and you don't need a lock!  Nice!)  and this guy asked me if I knew how to use it.  Then we started making small talk about how it was my first day there, and that I came from Bally, etc.  He's an investment broker who lives in the Loop.  He was very friendly, and ended up giving me his card.  Sweet!

I have to say, my workout went longer than normal because unlike Bally, there are actually TVs on every machine, and I couldn't leave without finishing the TV show I was watching!  I can see that this is going to be a good thing for me!

So, yes...I will continue eating what I want when I feel the need to, but now at least I hope to counter those calories with a nice, wonderful workout. 

At least until I get bored and need a NEW change of scenery.  :)

Have you met my good friend: Food?

If you have even just 'sort of' read this blog before, then you know how much I love to eat!

Chipotle?  Taco Bell?  Cold Stone? 
YES YES YES!!!

I hate to say this publicly, but food is definitely my comfort.

Isn't it funny how even though at times you can be surrounded by lots of friends, you can still feel pretty lonely?  Somewhere along the way, food became one of my closest friends.

It helps me deal with depression.
It doesn't ever criticize or judge me.
It doesn't have a cruel thing to say about me.
I don't have to worry about offending it.

When I am with food, I can be myself.  It's like being with a really close friend where all my guards are down.  Sad, i know...

Ask any of my friends who have ever gone out to eat with me:  I pretty much ALWAYS finish my plate clear! 

I just keep eating!  Even when I am not hungry anymore...  I don't quite know why, but I do.

One of the reasons why I run so much is because it allows me to still eat what I want, yet not get too fat.  However, now that race season is over, and the temperature has changed, I am not running as much.  So if you see me put on a few pounds, just know that I have been spending time with my good friend, food. 

Seriously...it has even gotten to the point where it has become a pet peeve of mine when people pick food off of my plate.  DON'T YOU TOUCH MY TATER TOTS!  Or french fries!!!  That is my COMFORT you are stealing!

Of course, friends do it, and I put on a chipper face, saying "Sure, go ahead..."  But really, you don't know what you are doing to me! 

I remember one time, going out to eat with a group of friends, and my plate of food was one of the first placed on the table.  By the time everyone took just one fry, I literally have like 6 fries left. 

That was a sad day.
But i didn't let it show.

Because that would look crazy.

I don't know.  I never touch anyone else's plate.  It's just something that I don't do.  If I didn't order it, and you didn't offer it to me, then I don't eat it!

But anyway...

I have a good idea where my love of food came from.  It started when I was a kid.  My parents always used food as a reward.

"If you are good throughout the whole church service, we will go to Shoney's for lunch."
"For your birthday, I will make you whatever you want for dinner/dessert!"
"After helping us paint the garage, we will get pizza!"

My parents made 'food' something that you look forward to, instead of just a necessity to live.

And here today, I use it in that same manner.

I didn't have a very good weekend, but I did get a tad excited everytime I thought about what I would get for lunch or dinner (and of course, dessert!)...  Even when I wasn't really hungry. 

Skipping a meal was NOT an option. 

If there was a buffet anywhere near me, then I would've tore it up!

I know, I know...it's not a very healthy way to be, and I know that there are deeper issues that probably need to be worked on, but for the immediate future, just know that if I am eating, then I am happy.

At least temporarily.

Oh my, Carrie Prejean!

She can't really be THAT stupid, can she?

Everyone's favorite beauty queen, Carrie Prejean, just made this statement in an interview to Christianity Today magazine:


"I don't see anywhere in the Bible where it says you shouldn't get breast implants."

Delusional.

Carrie may also be surprised that the bible also says nothing about electricity, sailboats, or Pepsi either!

This chick is a walking hypocrite.  

First of all, I don't care whether someone get breast implants or not.  If they give you a better self-confidence, then by all means...you are not hurting my life in any way.  Go for it.

Of course the bible doesn't say anything about breast implants.  When the bible was written there was no such thing as implants, weirdo!

However, when you have someone who is now making her living as an example of Christ, proclaiming to be a Christian and trying to live a holy life, then MAYBE people are going to be a little more critical on your choice to get huge melons!

What is the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of someone getting breast augmentation?  The idea that they want to be sexier, right?  Fake boobs = sex!

The bible DOES say:
(1 Timothy 2:9-10) . . .'Likewise I desire the women to adorn themselves in well-arranged dress, with modesty and soundness of mind, not with styles of hair braiding and gold or pearls or very expensive garb, but in the way that befits women professing to reverence God, namely, through good works.'

Take it or leave it.  I for one, do not follow the old testament ways. So I would never judge someone for braiding their hair, or wearing gold necklaces.  But Carrie, and other christians who pick and choose which old-testament scriptures work for them, should be ashamed!

Follow none of them, or follow all!  The bible is not a "choose what you want to believe' book.

And if the boobjob was done for vanity, then that is not the modesty that the Good Book speaks of.

Then again...this is the same woman who now has a sex-tape out there, as well as nude photos.

Which is fine...in my opinion, sex is nice.  But, don't be hypocritical about it.  OWN IT, CARRIE!!!

Look...The only problem I have with her is that she is touring the country making appearances at various churches and religious functions, preaching against the stuff that she is practicing herself!

If she is the new voice of Christianity, then God help us all!

Need You Now

Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can’t fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t call  but I lost all control and 

I need you now. 
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door.
Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t call but I lost all control and I need you now. 
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Yes I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn’t call but I’m a little drunk and 

I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.

Girl, Just sit down!

I know that it's wrong to laugh at someone else's misfortune, but I just could not contain myself yesterday!

I was coming home from work on the train around 5:30pm.  Luckily I get on the train at an earlier stop in the downtown area, so I was able to snatch one of the last remaining seats. 

We ALL know how precious a commodity getting a seat on the train is during rush hour, right?!

Well, within a couple of stops, the train gets much more full, and people have to stand in the aisle, holding on to the poles, or the bar on the back of the seats.

Well...

Little Miss Perfect Lincoln Park Trixie walks on the train in her designer sunglasses, oversized handbag, and 'too good to hold on to a dirty pole' hands.

She struts her way into the middle of the traincar, and immediately almost topples over once it jerks forward.
Her face was priceless!

I guess then she realized that she should probably hold on to something.

So she does, managing to place a couple of fingers elegantly on the bar.  Except, she stands facing forward.  I mean...come on, have you ever been on a train before?

Somehow she doesn't seem to pick up on the fact that everyone else in the middle section is standing sideways, which balances you by allowing you to shift weight from leg to leg. 

I was planning on reading some of the book that I brought with me, but the shit-show that I was in for was much more entertaining...

So for a good 5 minutes, I was enjoying one of the FUNNIEST sights I've ever seen on a train!  She was constantly jerking backward...and then forward...and her high heels were stumbling all over.

You would've thought she was drunk!

And to make matters worse, she pulls her cellphone out of her bag in an attempt to make herself look calm and comfortable, as if everyone else was looking just as ridiculous amazing as she did!

I swear, she crashed into the same guy about 6 times, and every single time she said "Oh, sorry" as if it was the first!

HAHAHA...

Ok...now I know what you are thinking.  Paulbenjamin, why didn't you get up to offer her your seat? 

I did.  Well...not at first, because I was having such a great time chuckling with the guy in the seat next to me about what a great performance we were watching! 

Also...How do you make it look like you aren't offering up the seat to her because she simply looked RIDICULOUS?  It's not like she was elderly, or pregnant.  She would've known something was up!

But...of course my guilt got the best of me.

So, at the next train stop, I looked up into her 'bug-eyed' sunglasses & expressionless face to ask, "Would you like a seat?"

Somehow, even though she had to look down at me, she still managed to lift her nose in the air.  It really was remarkable, and it was a look that I can't explain.  Now, THAT'S talent!

With a forced smile, she said, "No thank you."

I said OK, and gladly inched my way back down into my comfortable seat.  I tried, right?

Well, she remained fairly entertaining after that.  Even though she kept facing forward, she spread her legs far enough apart to remain mostly still.

Someone else offered a seat to her as well, and she continued to refuse it.

I'm telling you...she was a sight to see!  A HOT MESS!

And clearly I wasn't the only one enjoying this, because when she got off at the Fullerton stop (imagine that!) the other people on the train all started looking at each other and smiling, some even audibly laughing. 

So, do you think she realized that she looked a little out-of sorts? 
Or the better question...Do you think she even cares?

Probably not.
But it made my evening, that's for sure.

Does My Wallet Make Me Look Fat?

Hello all!

WHAT...an incredible weekend!  Not only was the temperature here in Chicago close to 70 degrees (!), but I was also able to help a couple of great pals celebrate their birthdays.  It was nice to see so many wonderful friends & acquaintances again.

Happy Birthday Curtis, Jason, & Kevin!

Saturday night at the beautious Scarlet bar, I was chatting with someone I hadn't seen in a while and decided to buy him a drink.  About 20 minutes later, he hunted me down to reciprocate the gesture.

What a nice guy!

Standing at the bar waiting to be served, this friend of mine (who I will call 'Chris') kept pulling out small wads of dollar bills from his pocket.  No joke...just all wadded up like a child would do.

"You need to put that money in your wallet!  You are going to lose some of that," I said.

"I don't carry my wallet out to the bars," Chris replied.

Oh.

Ah, i get it.  I mean, that is a pretty smart idea.  You never know who could jack your wallet from your pocket if you aren't paying attention...or if you get a little too tipsy and accidentally misplace it.  For example, leaving it on the seat of a cab when you are exiting... 

Yeah, i get it.

"I don't want to look fat."

???

Umm...what?

I looked at him with that confused, 'are you kidding me' look for a second too long, causing him to feel the need to explain.  He said something to the tune of "the wallet makes you look bottom heavy."

First of all, he has a pretty flat ass, so in my opinion, a wallet would probably help!  (But that's just me...)

"You should get yourself one of those money clips then."  You know, so you won't have to ball it up and not know how much you have left, right?

"No, that will make my pockets look bulky."

He has to be joking. 

But for his sake, I let it go...  I mean, everyone has their 'things' and this is clearly one of his.

So, you KNOW I went to the bathroom and started examining the back of my wallet-filled jeans in the mirror.  Yes, it made my pocket stick out a little more, but did that mean i looked fat?  Were people looking at me thinking, 'Damn, look at that fatass walking around!'?

I highly doubt it. 

And if they do think that, it's probably not because my rear pocket sticks out a little!

(Most likely it's from the 3 slices of pizza from Piehole!  Bokay?!)

Then, i discovered that 'Chris' also only carries his single door key to get back into his house, not the whole keyring.

So, clearly he is dealing with a weight problem.  :)

Look...I say, if you have a small ass then carry the fattest wallet possible!  I highly doubt that someone who is attracted to you is going to say, "Oh God...look at that HUGE back pocket!"

PBenj's Movie Review: Paranormal Activity

Ooh...it's scary movie season!  Last night, I went to see the movie 'Paranormal Activity' with my good friend Ray Pankey.

I do love a good fright!

Now, don't worry...there are NO spoilers here, as I am not one to give away movie endings!  I want you all to enjoy and experience it for yourselves.

The feelings about this movie are pretty split, with opinions ranging from very positive to some pretty adamant, 'I did NOT like it AT ALL' comments.

Personally, I am giving it 2 thumbs up!

However, it took me a few minutes to come to that conclusion.  The movie is one that made me think about it lonnnnng after leaving the theater.  Therefore, it was a success in my book!

So, Ray and I decided to go to an early evening showing, so that by the time we exited the theater it would be DARK and we could continue being spooked!

Ooh...exciting!  I forgot to bring a Boniva, so I was going to have to get through this on the bone-density that I currently had!

The movie wasn't too packed, which was nice.  The previews that were playing before the film started were all for other scary movies, and they were starting to scare the bejeezus out of me!  I was nervous that Ray was going to wet himself! 

For the most part, everyone was very well-behaved.

However, there was one couple down the aisle who decided to bring their kid!  WHAT THE....????

But isn't there always at least one clueless family?  The little boy looked like he was about 6-7 years old.  Way to go, genius family!  You probably just freaked out your kid enough so that he has nightmares for years to come.  Bravo to you!

The dad of this incredibly bright family also decided to answer his cell phone in the middle of the theater, and carry on a minute-long conversation during a part of the movie that was dead silent.  Either he was too stupid to know that you are supposed to turn your phones off, or he is just so incredibly selfish that he doesn't give a sh*t about others around him.  (I'm guessing it's both!)

Besides this specific family, it was a great experience!

The movie focuses on a young couple, Micah & Katie, who decide to videotape themselves around the clock in order to document paranormal activity in their house.  Katie has been haunted since she was a child.

Katie, as a character, gets annoying.
Micah is very nice eye candy!

The movie moves along at a very quick pace, and I found that I was never bored.  The entire thing was thoroughly entertaining! 

I went into this blind, not reading anything about it, or seeing any movie trailers.  Therefore, I was clueless as to what was going to happen.  From the beginning, they had me convinced that this was actual, real footage...but then there were a couple of scenes where the dialog was pretty cheesy and unrealistic, which made me realize that it was fiction. 

When the movie was over, there were a few people in the theater who let out groans, including the ridiculous lovely family down the aisle.  I even heard the dad say out loud, "Man, I want my money back..."

But for the most part, people were leaving the theater generally pleased. 

It amazes me that 'Paranormal Activity' was made on a budget of $15,000.  Yeah, that's right.  $15,000.
So far, the movie has grossed close to $70 million dollars!

I would say that the producers made a good investment!

Luckily, I was able to sleep soundly throughout the night last night, but that's because my apartment is already haunted, and I am used to the ghosts being silly...   :)

Either that, or the drinks I went out for after the movie kicked in!

So, in conclusion...

If you are looking for 'jumping out of your seats' thrills, then this movie isn't for you.  However, if you like that eerie, freaky, spookiness of a movie, similar to the Blair Witch Project, then you will really enjoy this film!

You will remain thoroughly entertained throughout the entire film.  Therefore, whether or not you like the ending or not, you will have a great movie-going experience. 

And that...is just my humble opinion.