Sunday, August 30, 2009

Don't be Tardy For the Party!

Oh my...

It's finally happened...Kim Zolniak, from the 'Real Housewives of Atlanta', has finally released her long-awaited first single.

"Tardy For the Party"

I have a feeling that I am going to be tardy for EVERY party I go to now, since this jam will be my Saturday night 'getting ready to go out' jam!

Personally, I like NeNe's version better, but I guess you have to take what you get...

Please enjoy the full version of the song below, complete with Auto tune and all... :)

Come on, ya'll...Don't be Tardy for the Party!

Friday, August 28, 2009

Found on Craigslist: Awful (Possibly Cursed) Sofa - $150

Hello friends,

You may have come across my past post. That couch was sold 45 seconds after posting to the director of an orphanage for blind gifted children. The new owner told me the sofa will live out the rest of its life providing soft, loving comfort to six-year-olds as they read braille textbooks on fluid dynamics and write scathing critiques on literary hacks like Virginia Woolf.

I realize you're probably kicking yourself for missing out on such an amazing piece of furniture. You should be, obviously, but all hope is not lost. I actually have one more couch available. This past Halloween, an old man appeared on my front porch. It was raining, and he was wearing a black hooded trench coat. He pointed to the sidewalk just as a flash of lightning illuminated an ugly, misshapen furnishing. He explain that he was cursed after building a furniture store on an old Gypsy graveyard, and that the spirits would release him if he could rid himself of the most offensive of his inventory: this brown IKEA sofa. He lamented his pox-ridden face, and showed me how arthritis crippled his once strong hands. I tried to explain that I didn't want the couch, but he then let out a blood-curdling howl as he dissolved into a million spiders.

I moved the couch upstairs to find a Dervish standing in my living room. He explained between long drags on his water pipe that the sofa is in excellent condition and is 35.5" L x 66" W x 29" H. He also described the waves of pestilence brought on by its Swedish design, and that its legend sent shivers down travelers of the Silk Road. He mentioned that I must hold the couch until its true owner come forth. This individual would be in need of the sofa for their bed chambers, living room, or basement. The true owner of the couch would be chaste in character and virtue, and willing to pick up and move the couch themselves. They would present $150 on a bed of lotuses, or would be willing to provide their best offer.

The 1-Question IQ Test...

Happy Friday to all of you!

You survived another week, so go out and have yourself a delicious cocktail!

Here's a one-question IQ test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your Friday.....

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the store clerk and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...

He opens his mouth and says, "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses."

If you got this wrong, just go ahead and SHUT OFF your computer and CALL IT A DAY!

(I've got mine shutting down right now...)

You know you missed it too, so shut down your computer and start your weekend early!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Reasons Why Someone Might Choose to Live In Canada (over the US)

Good morning!

Last night, I attended the Going Away party for the most wonderful, kind, adorable, awesome person...the one and only JAMESON!

It is very sad that Jameson will be leaving us here in Chicago to go back to Toronto for school. (At least that's what he says... Personally, I believe he is being Deported!) :)

There will definitely be a 'hole' in the Chicago Social scene. However, we do wish him the best! Hurry back to us, Jamie!

Which brings me to today's blog topic: Why would someone ever choose to live in Canada, and not the good ol' US of A; the land of the free, the home of the brave, the world of Paris Hilton...

Well, I thought I would come up with a list of reasons why Canada would be a nice place to live.

Let's see...

1) They've got that delicious Canadian Bacon. Yum!

2) Everyone seems to Ice Skate pretty well.

3) That maple leaf is pretty... OH, and I'm a BIG fan of Maple syrup!

4) They get to claim Alanis Morissette as one of their national treasures. I bet they all are required to own a copy of the album 'Jagged Little Pill.'

5) They also own Celine Dion. She's nice.

6) Canadian beer ACTUALLY has alcohol in it! (You know what I mean. Hello, Labbatt's 50!)

7) The people aren't as overweight, like Fatass, Obese Americans!

8) They've got the 2010 Winter Olympics coming up in Vancouver. That's pretty damn exciting!

9) They have that wonderful Parliamentary Government, where the leaders can be changed when things start going wrong (unlike in the US, where the country can be stuck with the same horrible leaders for years!)

10) It's peaceful. Canada managed to stay out of Vietnam and Iraq!

11) That land! They have SO MUCH of it, and so much of it is Beautiful!

and finally...the best reason to live in Canada

12) They now have our Jameson!!! I gotta start booking my flight to visit now!

At least, it's good to know that in the Facebook era, those you miss are just a status update, or personal message away.

Jameson, we love you and will miss you!

Now, go tear up Toronto!!!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

VH1...Enough with the Dating Shows!

You all know that I LOVE the programming on Bravo and VH1!

I could literally sit at home on a rainy day and watch either channel non-stop. Both VH1 and Bravo have cornered the market on creating buzzworthy reality shows, and in the process have created their own Reality Celebrities.

However...VH1, I am worried that you are becoming Ridiculous...

The programming on both of these channels is so different, as Bravo likes to focus on the lives of the wealthy & classy ("Real Housewives, NYC Prep, Miami Social, Flipping Out, Rachel Zoe..."), while VH1 focuses on the ...well...not so classy. :)

But who can turn down a good viewing of "Tool Academy," "I Love Money," or "Charm School."

I mean...watching these trainwrecks is the BEST comfort television ever! And admit it...some of these characters you have grown to love!

Oh yes...some of them don't even have real names. For example: "New York," "Buckwild," "12-Pack" gotta love it!


Like I said earlier. I am concerned.

I don't want VH1 to turn into a one-trick pony...and by that, I mean COOL IT with all the Dating Shows!

When ABC's "The Bachelor" premiered back in 2002, it was a fun, new concept of reality television that has proven to be successful. (The show is about to start its 14th season...already??? Can you believe that?) 2006 VH1 came up with their own version, (somewhat of a parody, in my opinion) called Flavor of Love. Let's just say that the contestants were a little 'different' from what you would see on the ABC show.

Since it was wildly successful for VH1, they decided to come up with the 'white trash' version of Flavor of Love, called 'Rock of Love' featuring Bret Michaels, from Poison.

I gotta tell you...I LOVED these shows! SO entertaining!

However, after 3 versions of each, and numerous spinoffs...the formula starts to get a little old. The success of these shows does not lie in Flavor Flav or Bret Michaels, but in the personalities of the contestants 'searching for love."

Or...pretending to be searching for love in order to get 15 minutes of fame!

In the past 3-4 years, we have been inundated with "I Love New York," "Real Chance of Love," "Daisy of Love," and "For the Love of Ray J."

VH1... Enough already!

This week, one of the contestants, Ryan Jenkins, from the reality show "Megan Wants A Millionaire" was found dead by suicide in his Canadian motel room, after being wanted as a murder suspect in the VIOLENT killing of his wife.

This caused VH1 to immediately pull Megan's show off the air!

I do love the 'Megan character,' but VH1 made a good call.'s probably best for the cable channel anyway.

If the show was still running, then the current VH1 programming would consist of:

"Real Chance of Love 2" (why the heck did these knuckleheads get a FIRST version, let alone a second!)

"My Antonio" (another dating show, yet trying to come across as a more sophisticated version due to the star being actor Antonio Sabato Jr.)

and "Megan Wants A Millionaire" (in which Megan wants to be the trophy wife to a man with lots of dough...)

In my opinion...That is OVERKILL!
3 dating shows in one season?

VH1...stop being ridiculous!

You have two choices, VH1...either 1) stop with the dating shows for a while, so that we can miss them and appreciate them when they return


2) Make them better!

Right now they are all the same formula. Have all the contestants line up, and then one by one hand them a rose...or a chain...or a clock!?!

I would love to see VH1 make a parody of Big Brother, or Survivor...or the Apprentice. That would be something new, and it would still create fun characters to cross over into their other shows (Charm School, I love Money).

Vh1...I still love you. But please...I don't want to see a "Brooke Hogan of Love"

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Just another AWFUL date...

This was just TOO good not to share...

A friend of mine...and loyal blog reader...decided to sent me an email describing the blind date that she went on last week. It's HILARIOUS! I had such a good time LOLing while reading it that I just had to share it with you all.

And please...if you have any really bad date stories, I would love to hear from you as well. This is the kind of stuff that makes my day!


Hi Paul,

I've decided to just type this out and send it to you. I wouldn't want to repeat a section of it in public.

I arrived a few minutes early at the Art Institute of Chicago. Jared wasn't there. I texted him to let him know where I was in case he forgot or if he was there and we couldn't find each other. Several minutes later he showed up. He asked what the text was for. He said he's only used to be texted or calling if they were running late. Apparently he doesn't offer the same courtesy. He thought the text was a, I quote, where the f*** are you text you're late.

So far this dating isn't starting off to well. We didn't shake hands or have a formal introduction. We headed to the Impressionism section, one of my favorites. He gives me some very good background on the pieces, but when I ask a question or make a comment, he criticizes my NY accent. He tries to get me to enunciate things the way he wants them to be heard. He lectures me about his expertise in dialects and tells me that I have a southern New England accent in addition to a NY accent. He says he doesn't think I have a speech impediment, but that I just don't want to give up my NY accent. Are you serious?

Then Jared complains that there are too many people in the museum. I mention it's free on Thursday after 5pm. I thought that's why he suggested Thursday. He's ticked off. He says he's a member and that there shouldn't be free days. He wants to show me the American wing which isn't as bad. Then he starts complaining that he wants to eat. He asks if I ate. I said no. Then he says, I quote, I guess this means I'll have to treat you to dinner now.

Why am I still here at this point? We walk around for a little bit more. He really starts to get cranky and asks to leave because of all the people and because he wants to eat. He picks on me some more about my accent. Then I start getting mad. I say I've been out of NY since '94, that's not my fault that I still have an accent. My accent comes out with certain words (call, ball, mall, walk, talk, water & coffee).

Then he says, he's playful, but he can be serious. So he says I have impeccable taste in clothes, a statuesque figure, great poise and the grace of a dancer. I thank him and then he says, I've purchased a cushion for later. He intends to pick on me more during dinner.

We're walking to the My Thai place and he complains that I walk too fast. So I slow down to satisfy his slow California stroll. Then he suggests we share dishes at My Thai. I didn't want to. I wanted my own. Then he complains and whines and says he won't eat then if we can't share. He says I can't go one meal without eating meat. What a baby. I offered my time to look up restaurants that had vegetarian entrees. He must be too cheap for restaurants. To shut him up, I agree to share three entrees.

We get to My Thai and he gets annoyed that a guy sitting two tables over is looking at him. Jared thinks he's eavesdropping in on our conversation. The waitress bought the three platters of food. I ate some of it. It was so-so, not a fan of tofu, but I was willing to try it again.

Then Jared says the dumbest comment yet. I thought the comment about Long Island only being for rich whites was crazy. He asks me if I prefer to be called black or African-American. I say black and give my reason. It should have ended. Then he asks if he can call me, I quote, negro or colored. ??? What is he on??? I say no and that I don't like anyone, black or non-black using those words or the other "n" word. He says I/blacks can't have it both ways since there's the United Negro College Fund and the NAACP. We argue over that. Then I try to get off the topic and ask what he did for the Obama camp. Then Jared asks me for money to leave a tip. The date eventually ends.

We're walking back and I ask him which section of the country does he like living in better: East, Central or West. He doesn't want to answer because he says he'll offend me either way. I know his least favorite is either NY or Chicago. So I snap back and say if it's really NY, you'll offend yourself even more since you got your undergrad at Columbia University and your birth certificate says Brooklyn, NY on it unless you paid someone to create a false one with Oakland, CA on it. He shuts up and then says that's a very valid point.

Then he picked on me saying I'm only going out with white guys and why am I knocking black men. I say I have no preference when it comes to race when dating. I ask if he only dates black women. He says he only dates the sisters. I ask what can a black woman give him that he can't get from any other woman. He says it all about two words. Now I'm worried and think he's going to say big ________. Jared says affirmative action. It's all about giving the sisters the opportunity to date the white men they couldn't have in the past. Then he says he's messing with me. I think he has flipped out mentally by now.

I can't wait to leave. He asks how it went. I was way too nice and said a B, when I should have said a C. He said since there won't be any further action this evening, I'm going to take a taxi home. He wanted to take me to a strip club since there were no sex shops in the city. Crazy lawyer. He thanked me for sharing the entrees. I was a block away from my bus stop and he didn't even want to walk me there.

That was a bad date for me and the cheapest at $21. LOL. I have too much patience. I think my other friends would have slapped him, poured water or him or done something else. He knew I took 10 months of kickboxing. He did say I was a hot bad a$$. He definitely has some personal issues going on.

The Jared on paper and via emails and IM is not the Jared you get in person or on the phone. I wonder if my NY accent brought up horrible memories from his childhood in Brooklyn. He could be way too sarcastic for me. I don't enjoy arguing. He's a lawyer and that's what he gets paid to do. He looked sloppy for a lawyer as well. I guess he wasn't in court. If he does email or call for a second date, I'm going to decline.

No dating for me this Saturday or Sunday. I need a break after this one. I'll enjoy a free dance festival at Millennium Park on Saturday :-) Maybe I'll head back over to the Art Institute this evening and enjoy what I couldn't see in peace.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Things NOT to Eat on a First Date

You know we've all been there!

You score a date with that hottie you've had your eye on, and when the time comes to have to order dinner you pause for a second before ordering from the menu...

Should I really get the stuffed burrito?

On a first date, the other party is taking notice of EVERYTHING - especially what you eat and how you eat it. My rule of thumb for a first date: Order something that guarantees you have to use a fork! Don't order something that you have to pick up with your hands...

If you go into the evening with a list of foods to avoid, it will make the evening easier to manage. came up with a list of foods that you should avoid eating on a first date...and I have to say, i tend to agree!

Things NOT to eat on a first date:

10. Big Mac

McDonald’s? You are on a first date at McDonald’s? This isn’t a serious date is it? You are married or are already in a relationship and this is just a place where no one would ever think to find you. If this is a first date, don’t expect a second. In fact, don’t except your date to be at the table when you return from taking a dunk in the ball pit.

What your date will think of you: Your date will think what the rest of us do: You’re a jackass. Now finish your fries and go home.

9. Milk

It shouldn’t have to be said but never, EVER order anything from the kid’s menu. There is no reason to order milk -- even if you are having a slice of chocolate cake for desert the size of a Prius. Order an after-dinner drink or just a cup of coffee. Grown men don’t drink milk in public!

What your date will think of you: Your date is getting involved with a man-child. A guy who drinks milk with a meal needs a nightlight to sleep and calls mom when he needs his shirt ironed.

8. Vanilla Ice Cream

It’s time for dessert. Your date orders a slice of decadence and you say to the waiter: “I’ll just have a scoop of vanilla ice cream.” Good plan. You’ve got that dominoes tournament with the rest of the boys at the retirement home in the morning and you don’t want to be up all night with a sugar rush. You then continue your story about not being able to find a good pair of socks. Wake your date up, she will want to hear this story.

What your date will think of you: You. Are. Boring. You don’t take risks and you don’t enjoy the finer things in life. Your date sees a relationship -- and possibly sex life -- that will be just as boring as the scoop of vanilla melting in the little cup.

7. Fish Sticks

If you are going to enjoy fish, you should always ask the waiter for the fresh catch of the day or order the fish special. There is nothing special about fish sticks. Oh, that’s so adorable the way you cut them up and dunk them into the tartar sauce. Is that what the other kids in daycare do or did you make that up?

What your date will think of you: You don’t like to try new foods. Fish sticks are the weapon of a mother with a finicky child. You are a pain in the ass when it comes to eating -- or doing anything in life that strays from the normal routine.

6. Lobster

We understand your thought process in ordering: ”If I order the lobster it will look like money is no object. I’ll come off looking like a complete high roller." Good call. Bibs are essential to the high-roller wardrobe. Lobster is a bad idea: You run the risk of looking like a pansy if you can’t crack that sucker open.

What your date will think of you: How could you be a good provider if you can’t bust open a lobster shell? Also, if you can’t always afford the lobster, don’t bother getting it just this once. If your date thinks money is no object to you then they won’t understand why you flipped out just because they ordered another glass of wine, new kitchen or house on the opposite coast. It’s your own fault, Uncle Moneybags.

5. Tacos

Don’t get me wrong, tacos are a fantastic food. Hell, tacos might be the greatest invention since crotchless undies, but tacos make multitasking during a meal impossible. Your focus will be on keeping the taco together and not on charming your date or keeping the discussion going. You’d love to hear more about her job but you need total focus on filling this next shell. You figure an extra scoop of guacamole might set this meal over the edge.

What your date will think of you: You won’t pay any attention to your date when something else is in front of you. It won’t just be something as simple and delicious as a taco: When the game is on TV or you are one level away from beating a video game they know they will be as invisible as those refried beans on your plate you haven’t touched!

4. Corn

Corn is natures’ most annoying food. It’s impossible to digest and finds a way to get lodged in every possible crevice imaginable: in your teeth, in the back of your throat and sometimes up your nose if you try to talk and eat at the same time.

What your date will think of you: You are probably disgusting behind closed doors. You have a ton of nasty habits just waiting to come out once the relationship progresses: teeth picking, nostril cleanings and toenail clipping all while watching television.

3. Buffalo Wings

Buffalo wings are a party and tailgating food that somehow snuck onto every restaurant menu disguised as an appetizer. They are impossible to eat without getting sauce all over your face, and the only way to keep the mess under control is to lick your fingers. The only licking of fingers on the first date should be done at your apartment. They also come in levels of spice that shouldn’t be experimented with on a first date. The last thing you need is to break into a sweat just from a few atomic wings.

What your date will think of you: Your date will think you don’t know the difference between party food and real dinner food. They will see a lifetime of subs, pizza and nachos on all your special occasions. Nothing is a bigger turnoff than imagining your 10-year wedding anniversary with pictures of you pounding beers because you tried the double atomic wings.

2. Salad

Salad as a first or second course is acceptable, but salad as the main course says more about you as a man than the fact that your belt doesn’t match your shoes. It says you’re either worried about your weight (and the last thing your date needs is another person in their life with a weight issue) or it could mean that you really are a complete hog but you’re trying to look civilized. Salad is ridiculously boring. Part of the fun of eating out is sampling each others' meal. You can’t really say: “Wow, try this lettuce. It’s amazing.”

What your date will think of you: A man getting a salad means he is either incredibly vain, incredibly cheap or dirt poor. None of those are attractive qualities in a partner.


1. Soup

First rule of thumb: You never want to eat more or less courses than your date. For example, if your date gets an appetizer, then you should also get an appetizer (sharing is also acceptable). Same goes for soup or salad. There is nothing more uncomfortable than watching someone eat while trying to have a conversation. If you are ordering a first course, avoid every type of soup. Soup is never a good idea on a first date. It’s messy, it’s hot and it’s incredibly hard to eat while maintaining any semblance of coolness. Ever tried to look smooth while shoving ice cubes in your mouth because the top of your mouth is singed? The combo of slumping over and slurping is not a good look. Don’t you dare pick up and sip from that bowl!

What your date will think of you: Your date will think you don’t care about how you look in front of others. If you are willing to sip, slurp, singe, and spill on a first date, imagine how you’ll act the first time you meet your date's friends or parents.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Hot Red...Chili..Who? Peppers?

I used to have this MAD skill!

When I was in junior high/early high school, I had this uncanny ability to call in to a radio station and win prizes! Who KNEW!

Going to Middle and high school in Dekalb, Illinois, we had our own radio station. It was called WDEK and it played current Top 40 hits. Pretty much, that's all I listened if an artist wasn't played on WDEK, then I had NO CLUE who they were.

Oh memories...

Well, each night WDEK played the "Top 8 at 8," which was a countdown of the top 8 requested songs of the day. Once the countdown ended, there was a contest...The 8th caller would have 8 seconds to list Title and artist, in order from 8th all the way to #1

I got this!

I would sit up in my room, waiting for 8:00pm to come, with my notepad and pen...waiting for each song to play, and practicing how fast I could say them!

"Vision of Love" by Mariah Carey
"Escapade" by Janet Jackson
"It Must Have Been Love" by Roxette

Sometimes I would get a real tough one and have to SPEED read it:

"How Am I Supposed To Live Without You" by Michael Bolton

Yikes! night, I was ready as always...The #1 song had just played, I had the phone in my hands...
I had already called the number in advance and hung-up...that way all I had to do was hit re-dial when the time was right!

The DJ said, "Ok, I am taking the 8th caller..."



- "Hi, Who is this?"
- " name is Paul"
- "Paul...You are the 8th caller! Can you name all 8 songs, title and artist?"
- "Yes!"

Of course I did. I was a seasoned Professional at this by now...

- "Congratulations! You Won! Your prize is 2 tickets to see the Red Hot Chili Peppers performing at Northern Illinois University."


So...I won two tickets to a band that I had never heard of. this point, the Red Hot Chili Peppers were a brand new band, who were starting to gain a following as a college band. Since NIU is a college, and in DeKalb, that's why they were performing there.

I was a freshman in high school. Listening to Pop/Top 40 music.
I had no clue.

And who would name themselves after a vegetable? I'm NOT going to see this band...

So, i never picked up the tickets from the radio station. No loss...

Well...within that same year, this song hit the Top 40 airwaves called, "Give It Away" by none other than the RHCPs. Then, it was followed up by a HUGE hit called "Under the Bridge."

I loved both songs.

My dumbass was kicking myself at this point. You know...if we had internet back then...and Youtube, and other ways to hear music online, I probably would've done some research on them. BUT...back in the day, it was either buy the album, hear it on the radio, or nothing!

Damn! Why didn't I go to see them before they got HUGE?

Apparently they had been a band since 1983. Who knew?, the Red Hot Chili Peppers have become one of my favorite bands. I love it when one of their songs randomly shows up on my ipod. So creative, so smooth, so talented....

However, I have YET to see them perform live.
If only I would've known...

I didn't make that mistake with Amy Grant, though!

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Girlfriend Doesn't Realize Her Boyfriend Is On Vacation!

Ooh...Lord Almighty!!!

It's when I see something like this, that I'm reminded it's OK that I am SINGLE! What a crazy, crazy beeyatch!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

My Time Spent with Danica...

Oh yes...I knew Danica!

A few years ago, I lived in Rockford, Illinois. While I was living there, I used to work part-time at the Rockford YMCA as a fitness instructor/weight room attendant.

One day, I was working out in the gym and I saw this absolutely BEAUTIFUL, drop-dead gorgeous girl exercising near me. She was working out with one of the trainers, and I couldn't help but notice how 'intense' she was.

Her workout was so focused, and so hardcore that it was putting me to shame!

There were lots of pretty girls who went to the YMCA, but for some reason she stood out! This girl had this magnetism about her...

Well...just a couple of weeks later I was finishing up a shift, just 'shooting the breeze' with my boss Lynne, when she told me that a new girl would be coming in to relieve me that day.

Then, she showed up...

She walked behind the front desk, stuck out her hand towards me, and said, "Hi. I'm Danica."

"Hi, I'm Paul. Nice to meet you."

Yes, that's right. I got to meet Danica Patrick LONG before she became who she is now...way before any racy 'Go Daddy' commercials...

She only worked a couple of shifts per week (which clearly was for the free gym membership that comes along with it!), and one of those was a late-afternoon shift in which I would come in to relieve her and work the evening shift.

I would always get there a few minutes early, but she would still stay exactly up until the time she was supposed to leave. That always gave us a few minutes to chat.

She was very friendly, and personable...

One day she mentioned something about racing. I thought, 'Oh that's cool...she has a hobby..."
She would tell me about how she won a bunch of go-kart races. 'Oh, well isn't that cute...'

Little did I know!

That hobby has since caused her to become one of the most famous female athletes of all!

In case you don't know who Danica is, it's time for you to come out from under that rock...

She is currently a racer in the IRL (Indy Racing League) where she is the first woman to ever win an IRL race! She's also the only woman to ever lead a lap at the Indianapolis 500, the granddaddy of all races.

She is no flash in the pan, as she consistently finishes in the Top 10 week after week!

And yes...Danica is also well-known for her numerous magazine covers & endorsement deals, the most famous being the sexy '' ads that you see during the SuperBowl.

AND...Danica is on the verge of playing with the Big Dawgs, as she is rumored to be jumping to the NASCAR racing league within the next couple of years, to compete with the most talented racers out there!

So yes...I used to work with Danica.

A few months back, I saw her Facebook page and decided to 'Friend Request' her. Clearly she would remember me, right?

Well, I logged on a couple of weeks ago to check on that...

The friend request is still pending...

Hmmm...She must just be really busy, I'm sure.

Also, about a month ago I started following her on Twitter. I responded to a couple of her tweets with very nice, witty remarks.

No response. Guess she didn't read them.
I'm sure she gets SO many responses that there would be no way for her to answer back to them all...

Oh well...I guess I should've expected it. When you get famous you make new friends...and like we all do, people just move on with their lives.

Well, last night I left one more message. Very direct...

"Hi Danica. This is Paul who used to work with you at the Y is Rockford. Congrats on your success!"

And then it came...

I woke up this morning to a new message on Twitter. It said, "Hi Paul. Thanks."

She responded!
(Either she's really bored on Tuesdays, or she has someone responding for her...)

Sure, it wasn't much...but much more than I expected.

Now, if I ever run into her again one day, let's see if she recognizes me...
GO Danica! Congrats on the success! I'll be cheering you on!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Apartment Intruder!

Last night, when I walked into the front door of my apartment building, there was a girl standing in the vestibule.

She was standing next to the intercom, but she wasn't talking into it...she was YELLING! Obviously, she & the person on the other end were having a bit of a tiff...

Ummm...I do not want to be a part of this drama...Where are my keys??

As I'm standing there, searching through my bag for my house keys to get me in the security door, she begins to call out vulgar names to the guy on the other end, to which he is saying things like, "Just calm down."

But she keeps going...

Geez...take a chill pill, mama!

At this point, I figure that he probably doesn't want her to come upstairs, or he would've let her in by now. So, I stick my key in and open the security door just enough to squeeze my way in, and then give it a little tug to pull it shut behind me...this way Miss Crazy cannot rush into the building behind me.

HOWEVER, I made the mistake of looking back at her, because I can see that she had reached for the door in order to follow in after me. She looked a little shocked as the door slammed shut with her on the outside.

Then I hear her yell at me, "Asshole!"

Oh yeah...This is all MY fault here, isn't it...

Look...First of all, she was there to bug him, and why the hell would I let someone into my building to bother another tenant OR possibly do damage?

...and Second, she is not MY guest, so it's not my responsibility to let her in!

So...I stop at the mailboxes to grab my mail, and then walk over to the elevator to take it upstairs. Within this time, some other girl enters the front door and holds it WIDE OPEN for the screaming lunatic chick!

Oh Great...Now she is in the building, and she's taking the elevator up with me. I glance over at her, and she is giving me a dirty look. She said, "That was rude!"

Oh...Bitch wants to fight, now. Ok...

I know I should have let it go at this point, but I just couldn't... So I replied, "I don't know you...and clearly you don't have a key."

She told me, "Why don't you mind your own business?"
I answered, "No offense, but when you are trying to get into my building, it becomes my business!"

I don't know...

Would you have done the same thing?
Should I just have let her follow in behind me?

I mean...I am not a front door Nazi.

There are people who piggy-back their way in the door after me all the time, and generally I have to use my best judgement. If you look familiar, or non-threatening, then usually I don't do anything.

However, clearly this b*tch was confrontational...who knows what she could've done!

Also...what about Delivery guys? I find it VERY odd that sometimes a pizza delivery guy will be at the intercom, and then just walk in after me... Ummm, HELLO!...Don't you have to tell the tenant who ordered the food that you are here?

Look...I have no problem letting the door shut on certain people. I know it appears rude, but really, it's not personal...

I'm so glad that 'Psycho' didn't get off of my floor...because then I'm sure I would've had to listen to them fight and argue all night long! I prefer to watch 'Chelsea Lately' in peace, y'all...

Monday, August 17, 2009

Victims of Sunday Funday...

Aah...Good Ol' Sunday Funday!

One last chance to get together with friends and have a few cocktails before the weekend is over and its back to reality.

A good Sunday Funday doesn't necessarily need to include alcoholic beverages, but generally, yes...they are involved.

Which makes for a wonderful HOT MESS!

For most, a quality Sunday Funday begins with a "drunk brunch," consisting of numerous mimosas or Bloody Mary's. The day then continues on to a house party, or a local bar where you get together with others who are also celebrating. Then, for the "Champions," the day continues into the early morning hours of Monday.

Here's the thing: Once you begin, it's hard to get out! Sunday Funday will SUCK YOU IN like a fat guy at a buffet!

I did not participate in Sunday Funday yesterday, but I got to see the effects of it, which turned out to be quite entertaining!

As I was walking around, running some errands, I passed a guy on the street who CLEARLY had too much to drink. He was stumbling hardcore; However, you could tell that he was trying his hardest to look like he was completely sober.

OH MY GOD...Haven't we all been there before!
Now I know what I look like when I try to do the same thing.

The funniest part is that this was around 3:30 in the afternoon. It was great to watch people's faces as they would also pass him, and laugh and smile at how ridiculous he looked!

Then...coming home from the gym yesterday, around 6:30pm, I saw someone that I know sitting on the bench outside of 7-11, completely devouring a sandwich. He was so out of it, looking like he was ready to fall asleep. It was so funny that I couldn't help but watch him for a few seconds...would it have been cruel to take a picture? :)

Finally, I said hello and out of his mouth came, "Paul, I need to get home..."

So, I walked him ALL THE WAY across the street to his apartment building and watched him walk in the front door. least he walked in the right direction!

Last night around 10:30pm, I got a text from a friend that said "u r such a gret friend. i love you very mus."

Ok...clearly drunk.

Then...a few minutes later, the same person texts again, "I am so sad." It was hard to tell whether this was a "mass" text or not, but in order to be a good friend, I called him back.

Yes...he answered at a bar.

Then, he began mumbling on, something about being so thankful for his friends, etc. It was really hard to make out what he was saying, with all the noise in the background.

Then, a long pause...and he just hung up on me.

Clearly, he wasn't TOO sad...

Another friend was such a mess this weekend that he came home, went online, and deleted over 200 of his friends on Facebook. WOW! That clearly must've taken some time...and thought. Well, drunk thinking... was all quite entertaining!

Honestly...i generally do not drink to get drunk anymore. Why not? 'Cuz I got plans, y'all!
I have important projects and goals that I want to get accomplished, so it helps me to keep 'somewhat' of a clear head. Plus...I am in my 30s now, so it isn't as 'cute' to be wasted out of your mind as it is for someone younger...

Also, I didn't realize how much else I was missing out on. I live in a World-Class city, and there is so much to do and enjoy! I'm having a great time discovering it all...

Yes...unfortunately, this has caused me to not be as close to a couple of my best friends as I used to be, as they still operate under the same mindset of drinking to get drunk. I just don't feel the need to go out to the same few bars EVERY Friday, Saturday AND Sunday. I like drinking 'socially' and am having a good time with it while still trying to stay within my limits (MOST of the time...he he he!)

Plus...I'm saving a LOT of money and getting things Done!

But...don't think I am judging any of you...that's your prerogative. Do your thang! Just be responsible, y'all!

However, if you are going out, getting blitzed out of your mind every weekend, PLEASE keep updating your facebook status' while intoxicated! I love reading your drunk ramblings the next morning when I wake up!

Friday, August 14, 2009

The World's Best Dancer...!

Happy Friday!!! We made it! WOO HOO HOO!!!

How many of you were able to attend the Lollapalooza music festival this year? I know you probably went to see some of your favorite bands, like the Killers, Depeche Mode, Jane's Addiction, or Kings of Leon right?

Well, the REAL entertainment is found within the crowds...

Hopefully you weren't too focused on the stage, because then you would've missed out on witnessing the World's greatest Dancer!

The hoofers on 'So You Think You Can Dance' and 'Dancing With the Stars' have NOTHING on THIS guy!

Well, if you were too busy listening to Santigold, or the Yeah Yeah Yeahs...and didn't get to see the AMAZING moves from this gentleman, then you are in luck!...Because I have posted the video below.

So please enjoy on a wonderful Friday! I expect you all to go home and memorize these dance moves so that you can perform them out tonight in the clubs!

Love you all!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Bad Day at the Office?

Hello and Happy Thursday to all of you!

I hope you are having a FANTASTIC week...or at the very least, not a crappy one. For those of you having a rough go at it, remember: The weekend is right around the corner! Yippee!

***On a (personal) side note, I want to say Congratulations to my kickball team who won BIG again last night, 11-1! Go Team XCell! Way to kick the crap out of that ball! ***


I know that some of you have some pretty stressful jobs...believe me, I am feeling your pain. Therefore, I thought this video would cheer you up!

Please take a couple of minutes out of your day (for yourself and your sanity) and get a nice chuckle out of this video. You'll be glad you did.

...And if you've seen it already, it is one of those videos that just never gets old. :)


Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Need to Cancel Those Plans...?

Today, I am going to share a real GEM with you!

Haven't we all been in situations where sometimes you just don't want to attend that certain event, or you said 'Yes' to a date that now you wish you wouldn't have?

Well, because I am such a nice guy, and an AMAZING friend to all of you, I am going to share my sure-fire secret with all of you on how to get out of the occasion, yet not come across like an asshole.

I have used this excuse 3 times in my life, and every time it has worked like a charm!

All it takes is a little humility on your part...

Are you ready for it?

The next time someone asks why you had to cancel on them, here's what you tell them: "I had Diarrhea."

Oh yes...I'm not kidding...

The excuse of having diarrhea is foolproof! Here's why:

1) Everyone knows what its like to have had diarrhea, or to really have to go to the bathroom. You can't fault someone for not wanting to risk 'messing themselves' in such a public place!

2)Using the excuse of 'diarrhea' is embarrassing for most people. Many of you wouldn't ever THINK about telling someone this!...and that's exactly why it works! Who in their right mind would tell someone that they had diarrhea unless it really was true, right?

and 3) It's hilarious! Diarrhea is such a funny word, that the person who you are telling the excuse to will laugh. Therefore, they can't stay mad at you!

So..I'm serious! Saying you had diarrhea is shocking yet relatable, it's believable, and it brings people's guards down! :)

However, please use this excuse sparingly. I do not give you this classified information lightly!

Like I said...I've used it 3 times, but only every once in a great while. So please, save it for a special occasion.

AND it's only good once in a certain group of friends...Because once you use the excuse, there's a great chance that more people will find out. I mean, this is funny sh*t! Who wouldn't want to tell their friends the excuse you gave them?

Now, that I've shared this with all of you, I won't be able to use it myself now for some time...but that's OK. I would rather share this wonderful information with all of you.

I'm a giver.

Don't worry about paying me back...This one is free.

Now, if you will excuse me, I need to visit the restroom...

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Subway, You Have Gotten RIDICULOUS!!

I have to mentally prepare myself to walk into Subway restaurant at lunchtime!

Yeah, that's how frustrating it has gotten!

Look...sometimes all I want is a nice sandwich, with fresh ingredients, but I'm starting to wonder whether it's worth it anymore. Below is a typical exhange between me and a Subway worker:

Employee: "Welcome to Subway. What kind of sandwich?"
Me: (as I am still 8 people down in the line...excuse me sir for having to yell over you...) "Hello, I'll take a footlong Chicken breast on wheat."

Employee: "What was that?"

The employee then gives me a look of, 'why are you yelling at me?'

Finally, I wait patiently for the other 7 people in front of me to start listing their ingredients. When i get up to the counter:

Employee: (holding the wrong bread) "What kind of sandwich?"
Me: "Umm...that's not mine. I asked for wheat."

The employee then pulls out a 6 inch wheat bread.

Me: "I would like the foot long."

Uh oh...Once again, I get a dirty look.
Finally the right bread, the right length, and chicken breasts have all successfully been established! Phew!!!

Employee: "Would you like it toasted?"
Me: "No, thank you..."

In all actuality, I actually WOULD like it toasted, but there is no chance in HELL I am going to risk having the employee forget about my little sandwich in their toaster and leaving it to burn as they start making someone else's lunch! Also, there are 8 of us crammed in this little space already...I do not want to hold up the line anymore than it already is!

Employee: "Lettuce and Tomato?"
Me: "Yes, both."

The employee throws some lettuce on there and then looks up at me...

Me: "And tomato..."

That's ok...she must have a lot on her mind. I'll let it go.
All the while, the guy next to me starts screaming his ingredients over the counter. Please God, do not let the girl making my sandwich get confused and start putting those on my sandwich...

Employee: "What else?"
Me: "I'll take black olives, pickles, banana peppers."

The employee proceeds to put about 4 black olives on my foot long. I watch for a second...She is going to put more on, right? No....

Me: "Can I get a few more black olives?"

Uh oh...death stare comes out again! I didn't realize that black olives were such a hot commodity!

And at this point, the guy next to me has his head OVER the glass case. Sir, please stop breathing all over the ingredients! I know that the glass is pretty much soundproof, which is why the employees can barely hear us, and we continuosly have to repeat ourselves, but please just speak up! Thank you.

There is a little bit of a line hold-up ahead, as the customers in front of me are backed up at the register. However, when i look back across the glass to my employee, she is gone! Where is my sandwich???

Oh...for some reason, she jumped up to a new space on her side of the counter that gave her room to work, yet I am still 6 people deep. I guess it's back to yelling what i want...

Employee: "What else?"
Me: (well...since you still haven't put these ingredients on yet...) "PICKLES AND BANANA PEPPERS"

The employee puts the pickles on. Then looks up at me...


I swear she just gave me a look of 'Why are you ordering one ingredient at a time? I'm not stupid...'

Employee: "Anything else?"
Me: "Yes, salt and pepper...and mustard."

Phew...finally to the end of this torture. The salt and pepper go on fine, but then...oh no...that isn't mustard she just picked up.

That's....that's...oh no...the mayonnaise bottle!

I try to stop her before she globs it on... "No, i said mustar....."

Too late. Mayonnaise has now saturated my otherwise healthy sandwich.

Me: "I wanted mustard."

The employee glares at me with a look of, 'Oops. I know I just f*cked up, but you'll eat it anyway, right? Otherwise I'll get in trouble...'

Look...if it was something small, like her putting onions or something on my sandwich, then i would take it and just pick them off...and get the hell out of there!

BUT...mayonnaise changes the entire sandwich.

So, i watch her toss my sandwich out. Now, we must start over from scratch...

Tomorrow, I'm going to Quiznos!

I shove my way back through the line to get back to the bread area....

Employee: "What kind of bread?"
Me: "Ugh...wheat..."

Monday, August 10, 2009

Songs to Pull You Through a Tough Workout EVERYTIME!

Have you ever gone to the gym and were so uninspired that you had to FORCE yourself to keep moving in order to get through your workout?

OF COURSE you have! You know what I'm talking about...

Some days it's a struggle!

I had one of those days yesterday. I picked up my free weights, walked over to a bench, did a quick set, and that was about it for me! I started rationalizing my way out, telling myself that doing one set was better than nothing, right?

All I could REALLY think about was how fast I could get through the workout and make my way over to KFC for some delicious chicken, coleslaw and some biscuits! YUM!

That's when I had to clear my head, look to my faithful iPod, and find one of those "special" songs that can pull you through a gym of those tunes that provides you with an extra KICK, and may even cause you to thrust out an extra rep or two!

I do have a special playlist of these certain songs, but it's always good to find more songs that can inspire and pump you up!

So...I need your help...I am asking for suggestions. What are your songs that get your adrenaline pumping? I'd love to know so that I can potentially add them to my workout list as well!

I don't care how cheesy you think they may be. If they work for you, then that's all that matters!
In order to share and share alike, I have listed 10 of my favorite songs to jam out to at the gym. Each of these dittys have killer riffs that 'rock my world' upon first listen! I've even decided to rank them in terms of how "workout worthy" they are. Yes, many are older, but they still do the trick!

Please feel free to listen, and if you like, start using them yourself!
Best results occur when the volume is CRANKED UP!


10. 'Love In An Elevator' - Aerosmith

9. 'Getting Away With Murder' - Papa Roach

8. 'On and On' - Nikka Costa

7. 'Up All Night' - Hinder

6. 'One Step Closer' - Linkin Park

5. 'The Sharpest Lives' - My Chemical Romance

4. 'Life Is Beautiful' - Sixx: AM

3. 'The Beautiful People' - Marilyn Manson

2. 'Enter Sandman' - Metallica

and finally...

1. 'Till I Collapse' - Eminem
Just like the title of the song, this one will keep you moving until you are ready to collapse! Enjoy!

Friday, August 7, 2009

Chicago's Interesting Summer...

Man, what is up with this weather?

For those of us who live in Chicago, we are used to brutal winters and nice, HOT summers...but not this year! The 90 and 100 degree weather has been completely absent this season.

And i gotta tell ya...I kind of like it!

Now, i know that this is going to ruffle a few of your feathers, but I actually enjoy not dripping in sweat while I walk around the city.

I know...I've heard many of you complain about Chicago not really having a summer this year. We are having a summer, just not what we are used to. For the most part, the weather has been in the upper 70s and 80s...which is FINE BY ME! I am not complaining, no I'm not!

I've still gotten to go to the beach a few times already this season, and the weather was sunny and comfortable.

It's very nice to not have to perspire through my clothing while heading to work in the morning...or on my way home. It's also great weather for my marathon training runs, as I don't have to wake up at the buttcrack of dawn in order to get my mileage in before the weather gets too hot.

So, overall I'm ok with it.

But I know that many of you want the 100 degree days. Not me! The only time I want to be in 100 degrees is if I am at a pool or beach, and can take occasional dips in the water to cool down. That's for sure!

So you didn't get to walk around flaunting your body without a shirt on as much...I mean, God forbid someone actually get to know you for your personality, right?

Who knows...maybe we are having an Indian summer, where the weather will finally start getting hot and stay this way through November! Wouldn't that be a treat!

Although I generally am enjoying this weather, I do admit that there has been a downside. A couple of our beach volleyball matches have been a little too cool for my liking...and very windy. That was a little frustrating...

Also, a couple of our kickball games were canceled due to rainy conditions. We have seen a little more rain that usual this summer.

But you know...I don't really mind. I like sitting outside, eating alfresco, in pleasant weather, and not sweating all over the place.

I also like evening cocktail parties on rooftops with a nice cool breeze flowing...

So, Mother Nature...I'm not mad at you.

Having said that, this weekend's temperatures are going to be in the low 90s...for the first time this summer, I believe. We'll see if this trend continues...

Now, let's hope it doesn't rain...

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

My Thoughts on the recent Lincoln Park/Lakeview Attacks...

This story has me pissed!

Over the past few days, there have been 7 random attacks in these Chicago neighborhoods. Reports say that anywhere from 3-6 random men are responsible for the various beatings, where the victims are mugged and violently attacked.

This just SUCKS!

Unfortunately, this story hits home with me for a few reasons:

1. I live here. I basically live on the border of the Lincoln Park & Lakeview neighborhoods.

2. Many times I go to the gym later at night, which leaves me walking home around 10:30-11pm. I also run the lakefront path in the later evenings at times...and although I do not run with my wallet or anything of much value, I don't want to have to start worrying about being ambushed.

3. I know one of the victims. A friend of mine was brutally attacked late Sunday night. He was hit in the head & face with a brick and brass knuckles, ending up in the hospital. He had to get 10 stitches in his lip, has a gash in his head, bruised and sore all over.

Like I said...This gets me pissed!

My initial response to the situation is:
"You Goddamn Motherf*ckers! You low-life scum of the earth! GO back to wherever you came from! I hope you are caught and punished heavily, you f*cking pieces of shit! Karma's a bitch and I hope you get everything that's coming to you, f*cking assholes!

Sorry if that seems harsh...
But it's my initial reaction.

Look...when my safety...and the safety of my threatened, it is not something that I take lightly. I should not have to worry about getting attacked while walking on my own street.


After taking a step back, and pausing to breathe for a minute, I want to try to rationalize why a person would do something like this?

The therapist in me wonders, 'What would cause a person to disregard someone else's life so much that it leads to brutal, physical violence? I mean...clearly these attackers have no conscience, right?

There must be a reason. Maybe they grew up with terrible childhoods and lived out extremely bad situations. OR...maybe they had great upbringings, and when forced to make it on their own they couldn't deal with the pressure.

Something happened along the way to cause morals and values to go out the window.

So...after thinking about it, and taking a step back to rationalize why a person would possibly do something like this, I have come to this conclusion:

Those people are the scum of the earth. I hope these assholes get found out and justice is served!

I hate to say that, but look...We've all faced tough situations in life. I don't know about you, but I've had my share of rain, and I have been making it through.

I grew up with a rough childhood, I've been kicked down, and still continue to get kicked down by many...but I can't imagine violently attacking someone. I have been to the point where I've felt so hopeless, and so low that I would have LOVED to have punched a few people in the face, but random attacks on strangers?...for pleasure? No way!

That thought wouldn't even cross my mind!

It's just such a sad situation.

So to the attackers: I hope you are getting some kind of sick pleasure out of it now, because it's only temporary. In the long run, hopefully you will get caught & punished, and you will look back asking yourself why you were so stupid! Even if you don't get caught, you will have to live with yourself and the karma you just brought upon you. I hope you get help for your sick, twisted minds.

In the meantime, please...PLEASE...leave me and my neighbors alone.