Thursday, April 8, 2010
Last Friday, I officially became unemployed. That's right...I lost my job.
It came as a bit of a shock to me, but for the most part I've been okay. I've been trying to keep a positive attitude and a fighter's spirit, knowing that something better is right around the corner.
I had been with my previous company for years, giving them my full dedication and lots of hard work. If this wouldn't have happened, I probably would've been a lifer and never would have tried looking elsewhere for another opportunity. Therefore, this may be a blessing in disguise!
However, waking up in the morning with nowhere to go is a bit depressing, and not my style. I feel fulfilled going into the workplace.
I can be honest here with you guys, right?
The disappointment of losing a job, mixed in with a couple more recent personal disappointments, has really led me to lay there in bed with such a heavy feeling. Thoughts of disappointment and failure are typical for anyone in my position, I'm sure.
Wondering where I went wrong, what I could've changed, and what I have learned and can grow from for next time.
But you know what? Sometimes I have to force myself to get through this. Get up, Paul! Keep moving.
I know, I know...some of you are thinking, "But Paul, it hasn't even been 2 weeks yet," which is true. However, I guess I am not like most people. I want to work. I want to feel like I am contributing.
So, I have been out there taking all the right steps. I have sent my resume out to some places, I've met with a recruiter, etc. I am determined.
Yesterday was rough for me. I woke up in a bad place. Feelings of regret and failure were heavy on me. I didn't want to search for jobs, I didn't want to keep taking the proper steps and not hear back from anyone.
I forced myself to go for a run. A long run. 13 miles, in fact. It was also raining pretty hard.
A good run has always settled me down, cleared my head. Somewhere around mile 6, I just completely lost it. It's a good thing that nobody else was out there, because I probably looked like a complete idiot, balling my eyes out like a little baby.
Like Robyn says, it's a good thing tears never show in the pouring rain!
My emotions were going crazy. I wanted to stop running, but I also wanted to prove how strong I was.
SO yes...Overall, I'm in a good place, but a bit of a fragile place.
Wow, this is all kind of hard for me to admit. I like the appearance that I am always such a strong individual! I like staying positive. Nobody likes a downer...
This old song lyric keeps coming to mind, and kind of explains where I am:
'They don't know that I go running home when I fall down.
They don't know what picks me up when no one is around.
I drop my sword and cry for just a while...
Cuz' deep inside this armor, the warrior is a child.'
This morning, I got emotional for a different reason. I was overwhelmed by some of your generosity. There are so many wonderful people out there who have been very kind to me; providing me job leads, sending me information on their company's open job posts, referring me to recruiters, or just calling me everyday to make sure that I am in a good place.
The funny thing is...The people who have really reached out to me are people that I never would've expected such generosity from. Some of these people I am not even that close to. There are REALLY some good people out there!
But I have so much respect and newfound love for them. They didn't have to reach out to me, but it's nice to see that I have people on my side.
I am grateful for these new friendships, and hope to one day return the favor to them!
Thank you for letting me speak honestly, and for allowing me some time to process all of this. I will try to get back to blogging regularly.
But for now...it's back to the grind! Keeping my chin up, my hopes high, and determined to work as hard as I need to.
This story WILL have a happy ending!