Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Just another AWFUL date...

This was just TOO good not to share...

A friend of mine...and loyal blog reader...decided to sent me an email describing the blind date that she went on last week. It's HILARIOUS! I had such a good time LOLing while reading it that I just had to share it with you all.

And please...if you have any really bad date stories, I would love to hear from you as well. This is the kind of stuff that makes my day!


Hi Paul,

I've decided to just type this out and send it to you. I wouldn't want to repeat a section of it in public.

I arrived a few minutes early at the Art Institute of Chicago. Jared wasn't there. I texted him to let him know where I was in case he forgot or if he was there and we couldn't find each other. Several minutes later he showed up. He asked what the text was for. He said he's only used to be texted or calling if they were running late. Apparently he doesn't offer the same courtesy. He thought the text was a, I quote, where the f*** are you text you're late.

So far this dating isn't starting off to well. We didn't shake hands or have a formal introduction. We headed to the Impressionism section, one of my favorites. He gives me some very good background on the pieces, but when I ask a question or make a comment, he criticizes my NY accent. He tries to get me to enunciate things the way he wants them to be heard. He lectures me about his expertise in dialects and tells me that I have a southern New England accent in addition to a NY accent. He says he doesn't think I have a speech impediment, but that I just don't want to give up my NY accent. Are you serious?

Then Jared complains that there are too many people in the museum. I mention it's free on Thursday after 5pm. I thought that's why he suggested Thursday. He's ticked off. He says he's a member and that there shouldn't be free days. He wants to show me the American wing which isn't as bad. Then he starts complaining that he wants to eat. He asks if I ate. I said no. Then he says, I quote, I guess this means I'll have to treat you to dinner now.

Why am I still here at this point? We walk around for a little bit more. He really starts to get cranky and asks to leave because of all the people and because he wants to eat. He picks on me some more about my accent. Then I start getting mad. I say I've been out of NY since '94, that's not my fault that I still have an accent. My accent comes out with certain words (call, ball, mall, walk, talk, water & coffee).

Then he says, he's playful, but he can be serious. So he says I have impeccable taste in clothes, a statuesque figure, great poise and the grace of a dancer. I thank him and then he says, I've purchased a cushion for later. He intends to pick on me more during dinner.

We're walking to the My Thai place and he complains that I walk too fast. So I slow down to satisfy his slow California stroll. Then he suggests we share dishes at My Thai. I didn't want to. I wanted my own. Then he complains and whines and says he won't eat then if we can't share. He says I can't go one meal without eating meat. What a baby. I offered my time to look up restaurants that had vegetarian entrees. He must be too cheap for restaurants. To shut him up, I agree to share three entrees.

We get to My Thai and he gets annoyed that a guy sitting two tables over is looking at him. Jared thinks he's eavesdropping in on our conversation. The waitress bought the three platters of food. I ate some of it. It was so-so, not a fan of tofu, but I was willing to try it again.

Then Jared says the dumbest comment yet. I thought the comment about Long Island only being for rich whites was crazy. He asks me if I prefer to be called black or African-American. I say black and give my reason. It should have ended. Then he asks if he can call me, I quote, negro or colored. ??? What is he on??? I say no and that I don't like anyone, black or non-black using those words or the other "n" word. He says I/blacks can't have it both ways since there's the United Negro College Fund and the NAACP. We argue over that. Then I try to get off the topic and ask what he did for the Obama camp. Then Jared asks me for money to leave a tip. The date eventually ends.

We're walking back and I ask him which section of the country does he like living in better: East, Central or West. He doesn't want to answer because he says he'll offend me either way. I know his least favorite is either NY or Chicago. So I snap back and say if it's really NY, you'll offend yourself even more since you got your undergrad at Columbia University and your birth certificate says Brooklyn, NY on it unless you paid someone to create a false one with Oakland, CA on it. He shuts up and then says that's a very valid point.

Then he picked on me saying I'm only going out with white guys and why am I knocking black men. I say I have no preference when it comes to race when dating. I ask if he only dates black women. He says he only dates the sisters. I ask what can a black woman give him that he can't get from any other woman. He says it all about two words. Now I'm worried and think he's going to say big ________. Jared says affirmative action. It's all about giving the sisters the opportunity to date the white men they couldn't have in the past. Then he says he's messing with me. I think he has flipped out mentally by now.

I can't wait to leave. He asks how it went. I was way too nice and said a B, when I should have said a C. He said since there won't be any further action this evening, I'm going to take a taxi home. He wanted to take me to a strip club since there were no sex shops in the city. Crazy lawyer. He thanked me for sharing the entrees. I was a block away from my bus stop and he didn't even want to walk me there.

That was a bad date for me and the cheapest at $21. LOL. I have too much patience. I think my other friends would have slapped him, poured water or him or done something else. He knew I took 10 months of kickboxing. He did say I was a hot bad a$$. He definitely has some personal issues going on.

The Jared on paper and via emails and IM is not the Jared you get in person or on the phone. I wonder if my NY accent brought up horrible memories from his childhood in Brooklyn. He could be way too sarcastic for me. I don't enjoy arguing. He's a lawyer and that's what he gets paid to do. He looked sloppy for a lawyer as well. I guess he wasn't in court. If he does email or call for a second date, I'm going to decline.

No dating for me this Saturday or Sunday. I need a break after this one. I'll enjoy a free dance festival at Millennium Park on Saturday :-) Maybe I'll head back over to the Art Institute this evening and enjoy what I couldn't see in peace.


  1. This is EXACTLY why I will never leave my husband and re-enter the dating pool. Even if he took up an interest in capri pants. Or Britney Spears. Or growing a vagina.

  2. What a jackass! I would NOT have sat there and went through that entire date. I would've left that CHILD at the museum!

  3. What a Diva. And I'm talking about Jared, not the author. Sounds like he needs a boyfriend, not a girlfriend.

  4. OMG that girl should have told him off immediately. What an ass

  5. "I wouldn't want to repeat a section of it in public". Good thing only about 10,000 people read your blog Paul. LOL

  6. Love this! Love you, Love your blog!

  7. Whoaaaaaaaaa that is nuts. I can't believe she stuck it out through the whole thing.

  8. Paul...you rock!! This makes me feel beter about my near "perfect" marriage!! He he:-) Perhaps it's a GOOD THING I split my future husbands head open on our first date?! Either it made him realize not to mess with me, or he was seeing so many stars he couldn't see my faults and married me before his head healed??!! Just kidding babe, you are one of the good guys...Jared-enjoy your life ALONE, talking to yourself out loud so you have a dialect to critique!!!!
    Christi (Mrs Whit)

  9. I know you probably hear this all the time, but I really enjoy your blog, Paul. I love it when I see a new post from you.

    Just wanted to encourage you to keep blogging, and to let you know that many of us appreciate you for it.


  10. God bless this young lady for not kicking him square in the nuts. He gives a bad name to lawyers everywhere (not like we needed any help).