Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Does My Wallet Make Me Look Fat?

Hello all!
WHAT...an incredible weekend!  Not only was the temperature here in Chicago close to 70 degrees (!), but I was also able to help a couple of great pals celebrate their birthdays.  It was nice to see so many wonderful friends & acquaintances again.

Happy Birthday Curtis, Jason, & Kevin!

Saturday night at the beautious Scarlet bar, I was chatting with someone I hadn't seen in a while and decided to buy him a drink.  About 20 minutes later, he hunted me down to reciprocate the gesture.

What a nice guy!

Standing at the bar waiting to be served, this friend of mine (who I will call 'Chris') kept pulling out small wads of dollar bills from his pocket.  No joke...just all wadded up like a child would do.

"You need to put that money in your wallet!  You are going to lose some of that," I said.

"I don't carry my wallet out to the bars," Chris replied.


Ah, i get it.  I mean, that is a pretty smart idea.  You never know who could jack your wallet from your pocket if you aren't paying attention...or if you get a little too tipsy and accidentally misplace it.  For example, leaving it on the seat of a cab when you are exiting... 
Yeah, i get it.

"I don't want to look fat."


I looked at him with that confused, 'are you kidding me' look for a second too long, causing him to feel the need to explain.  He said something to the tune of "the wallet makes you look bottom heavy."

First of all, he has a pretty flat ass, so in my opinion, a wallet would probably help!  (But that's just me...)

"You should get yourself one of those money clips then."  You know, so you won't have to ball it up and not know how much you have left, right?

"No, that will make my pockets look bulky."

He has to be joking. 

But for his sake, I let it go...  I mean, everyone has their 'things' and this is clearly one of his.

So, you KNOW I went to the bathroom and started examining the back of my wallet-filled jeans in the mirror.  Yes, it made my pocket stick out a little more, but did that mean i looked fat?  Were people looking at me thinking, 'Damn, look at that fatass walking around!'?

I highly doubt it. 

And if they do think that, it's probably not because my rear pocket sticks out a little!
(Most likely it's from the 3 slices of pizza from Piehole!  Bokay?!)

Then, i discovered that 'Chris' also only carries his single door key to get back into his house, not the whole keyring.

So, clearly he is dealing with a weight problem.  :)

Look...I say, if you have a small ass then carry the fattest wallet possible!  I highly doubt that someone who is attracted to you is going to say, "Oh God...look at that HUGE back pocket!"


  1. Yeah you're back! I was starting to wonder if you were ever going to write again. YES!

  2. We sure did miss you! I kept checking your site almost every day! I almost emailed you.haha. Very funny return. I also know a couple of people who never carry a wallet for the same reason.

  3. This is funny because I used to think the same thing when i was younger. How tight can I make my jeans, yet still carry all the essentials. Nice blog, we missed you!

  4. A) so excited you're back, I almost messaged you yesterday.
    B) ummm"BOKAY"!!
    C) Get a J-Fold wallet; life changing, seriously, but I admit I also carry only the essential keys - no work keys, bike keys, etc.

  5. Did he also have teeth so bleached that you could see them from space? I saw your weekend photos!

  6. Where the heck have you been??? It was almost 2 weeks that we had to go without your silly humor!

  7. Should I admit that I do very similar things. LOL. But my reason is I just hate the feel of stuff in my pockets. When I go out, I put cash, ID, cash card and Chapstick on one pocket. In the other pocket I put my car key and cell phone. I would have bulges everywhere if I put everything in my pockets. LOL.

  8. I so get this....I do almost the same stuff, lol....I always think to myself, if anyone is going to notice a buldge in my jeans I dont want it to be my wallet....Im just saying;)

  9. Paul!

    This isn't as crazy as it sounds.

    The problem for me is, well, let's just say I have a lot of "junk in trunk" as it is (and I'm pretty skinny!). I certainly don't need the extra help!

    The simple solution is to always carry around a man-purse to place all those bulky "this is making me look FAT" items in.

    Problem solved!!


    P.S.: Glad to have back blogging again!

  10. Your missing one of the major points Paul Benjamin. The real fact of the matter is that you should carry TWO wallets so then your backside doesn't look lopsided. :)

  11. Lost my at a rave like party on Halloween....OMG...a gal walked up and told me I think you dropped this...it was my wallet....Talk about LUCKY!!! So I hear ya!!

  12. Where the hell have you been, Mr. Paul? I was starting to wonder if you were ever coming back to us. Now, you better find time everyday to continue this fabulous blog of yours.

  13. Good to see you back tweeting Paul. Even though I can't point fingers, but I missed spying your tweets among the mundanes. *g*
    I have a hubby who thinks pockets are the next best thing to wonder bread. The cro-magnon forehead and glare underneath keep people from even thinking about mentioning his bulges. lopsided or not.

  14. Hey, I was wondering where you were too! This made up for the weight! (HA!) Now, I'll get back to work. :)

  15. Oh man. That's totally me. Well I don't do it because I think it makes me look fat, I just think the lumpy items in my pockets are awkward looking. I carry only my ID, debit card, and a small amount of cash, my front door keys, and my phone. Sometimes not even the phone! It's so nice to leave it behind.

  16. Sounds like he's got some body image issues. There ARE some thin wallets out there, for the necessities like driver's license, credit card, and cash.

  17. Sport a thin wallet and show off your booty!!

    I highly recommend BigSkinny wallets.

  18. http://www.bigskinny.net/