Thursday, November 19, 2009

Sipping Vodka


A new priest at his first Mass was SO nervous he could hardly speak!  After Mass, he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So...

Next sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. 

At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He proceeded to talk up a storm!

Upon his return to his office after Mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son and Holy Spirit are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body."  He did not say, "Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry.'

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not:  Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

22 comments:

  1. "we do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'"

    HAHAHAHAHA!

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  2. If my priest looked like the one in the photo, then I would be faithfully at church every week! LOL!

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  3. My Mom would say, dad,lad, and spook, and then giggle like it was so funny. I found you on "I should be laughing". I put you on my favorites, your funny.

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  4. Thanks Mike! I really appreciate that.

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  5. oh my god, this is hilarious! Love your blog, paul.

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  6. The Engineer, as a child, used to say, "Father, Son and the Holy Witch" (impressed or terrified by the nuns at the hospital where his dad had patients).

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  7. My favorite is #8. I actually laughed out loud at a few of these. HA!

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  8. Great post (it must be religious theme blog day?). Love it! Is it wrong to admit the priest in the photo turns me on? I guess I need to pray to the Big JC for forgiveness!

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  9. LOL! Love it! Mass might be a little more entertaining if sermons were really like that! J/K! :-)

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  10. I would start going to church again! HAHAHA

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  11. I like how George Carlin took the 10 commandments into 2.

    Thou shalt always be honest and faithful
    to the provider of thy nookie.

    &

    Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless of course
    they pray to a different invisible man than you.

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  12. My favorite is:
    11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."

    God, if my priest were to say this in mass I would not be able to contain myself from laughing uncontrollably!

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  13. HA! Ray, I'd never heard those before. There is so much truth in those 2 commandments though!

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  14. And there's me thinking this posting was serious. No wonder I failed religious education at school

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  15. "Eat me"

    Now THAT'S religion!

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  16. Maybe if sermons were given with such earthy charm, pews wouldn't be so empty. Paul, a fun post for sure!

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  17. lol....I was away for a bit, trying to catch up on all the blogs, this was a great one...funny;)

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