Thursday, September 17, 2009

"What Have You Been Up To?"

Since I'm in a bit of a reflective mood today, I thought I would share an honest moment.

I'm hoping some of you can relate, so that it makes me feel a little more 'normal'... HAHA!

I ran into an 'Ex' of mine yesterday while walking home from the train after work. However, this wasn't just any 'ex.'

This was someone that I loved with all my heart...

He was walking down the sidewalk with his new boyfriend. They had clearly been shopping, as he had a "Threadless" bag in his hand. It is hard for me to look the new boyfriend in the eye, as he is much better looking than i am, taller, has bigger muscles, prettier eyes, etc... But whatever...

It really WAS good to see my 'ex', and it was very pleasant. We exchanged 'hello's and he asked "What are you up to these days?"

I answered very casually, "Just working, running, etc..."

But really...

I wanted to say...

"I randomly still think of you a few times throughout the week. Every time i hear a song that we loved, or someone talks about a movie that we saw together, it conjures back those memories.

Whenever I see something or hear something that I know you would enjoy, it makes me want to call or text you, because I know you would love it. But I dont, because that would be inappropriate.

Right after we decided to break things off, I still would constantly look at my phone to see if I had missed a call or text from you, saying that we had made a mistake.

When I think about going on a trip to a city that we had been to together, I remember all the fun we had, and the things that we did...

Sometimes in conversation with friends, I have to catch myself from saying, 'Oh, ___ and I used to...' "

But no. I just said that things are fine, chatted a couple more minutes, and walked home.

It's good to see that he's moved on and found new love.
Don't get me wrong...I am very happy for him. They really do make a great couple!

Sometimes, it's just tough to see your past relationships move on so easily, no?
'Don't you even have the slightest feelings left for me?'

This encounter was so friendly, and so comfortable, almost as if, to him, we had never even been together in the past... 'Did you forget about the passion between us? Did you ever even miss me afterwards? Come on, give me SOMETHING!!!'

Thank you for letting me share a vulnerable moment. I mean, we all have them, right?

Now, back to our regularly scheduled blog...

Love you all!


  1. Thank you for sharing this. I just got out of a relationship with someone that I dated for 3 years. He broke up with me and started dating someone else almost immediately. I completely understand these feelings. I hope they eventually go away.

  2. Laura, the really strong feelings do go away but you will always remember things about him.

  3. Paul, thank you for sharing this. We never get to see this vulnerable side of you. It's very refreshing to know you are human like the rest of us. :)

  4. Paul! I love this. And I hate this. Been there. It's terrible. It's awful.

  5. Thanks Cody! I guess I just felt like sharing something personal. It's good to hear that others are relating.

  6. You know - he was probably feeling those same things and trying to be appropriate the same as you :) When you're that close to someone it doesn't ever go away, and I know that I personally would not have it any other way. The people we love are the people that shape our lives and who we become.

  7. Everyone feels like this at some point or another...even when you meet the person you were meant to be you will always think of that other person every once in a while!

  8. Know the feeling. Reminds me of an Ani DiFranco lyric about running into former loves: "It's a narrow margin, just room enough for regret. In the inch and a half between, "hey, how you been" and "can I kiss you yet? "

    And regarding this: "he is much better looking than I am". P-Shaw. Like that's even possible. (-;

  9. Hey, you're normal! Don't worry!!! :) Very good insights and brave of you to post for the eyes of friends and strangers. Speaking of strangers, I'm rubbing my hands together, and they're covered in dirt. I don't know why that's my image of a "stranger."

  10. I understand, buddy. I would've avoided eye contact, but that's just me. You are a much bigger person!

  11. I have been happily married for almost 6 years now, but I still get a little choked up when I run into an ex of mine. You describe some of my feelings towards him perfectly if I ever have to be at the same place as he is. Good blog.

  12. I love this. And as you state perfectly well, it's not like you are sitting at home pining over him, wanting him to come back to you. But the feelings you shared are so normal.

  13. I can totally relate. And why do I always feel like the person who is standing there with no one? As I watch everyone else move on and find love? It's a mystery . . .

  14. It was just not meant to be. I hope you will find that one person and have those memories become sweet stories.

  15. Posting this sort of thing on a public blog - any possibility you'd like him to see it? This way he can know how you still feel without you actually having to say it to him? No chance of rejection again?

    I didn't expect that of you Paul

  16. Wow, what a great post. I know exactly how you feel, you've captured that feeling perfectly. It's amazing how something so strong and so.. indefatigable can get to a point where you see each other in the street, exchange words, and move on.

    At some point in the past there was incredible amounts of passion, now.. just polite talk.

    It doesn't mean he's not going through the same thoughts, Paul - after all, your Oscar-winning performance didn't give anything away to him, there's every chance he was just as reticent to give anything away to you.

    It's lovely that you've both had an opportunity to share that passion in the past, it's nice to remember it with a smile, it's lucky to have felt like that.

  17. I love it when you share stories like this. You need to share meaningful personal stories more often. This reminds me of why I love you so much, Paulie!

  18. Paul
    Love and pain sort of go hand in hand. You handled your self with grace and a smile of optimism. Just because he has moved on doesn't mean your timeline needs to match his. That is ok. Feel what you feel, take the high road, and if you have any unresolved emotions, take it out on the opposing team when you play football. Remember your past. Live in the present, run to your future (or jog). Just don't look back.

  19. Thank you for posting this Paul. I too have had the same feelings whenever I've run into my ex. In fact, not too long ago, while watching Real Housewives of Atlanta, he and I were reminiscing about the trip we took for our anniversary to WeHo - - the hotel that Nene stayed at (The Chamberlain) was the same place my ex and I stayed while there. Oh the memories!

    Alas, he is now living in a different state with his new boyfriend, but the memories are strong and no one can take that away!

  20. Paul!

    Don't feel too bad.

    Just because you're Ex moved on so much easier than you'd expected doesn't reflect badly on you.

    It just means your Ex was lucky enough to find someone more of a match for him, that's all.

    Maybe down the road you'll meet someone who will be an even better fit for you!

    It's very big of you to not hold any hatred or resentment towards him.

    At least you two are amicable towards each other. Not many Ex's can say that. Some won't even talk to each other once the relationship ends or worse there's a complete break-up without any closure whatsoever. And speaking from personal experience that is quite painful.

    So sulk for a little while then jump back into the swing of things!

    Wishing you all the best!


    P.S.: Sorry for the long-ass comment!