Friday, October 16, 2009

Free Couch! - Emails from an Asshole

ORIGINAL AD: 


IF ANYONE HAS AN UNWANTED COUCH I CAN COME GET IT.  WILL
TRAVEL UP TO 20 MINUTES FROM CONSHOHOCKEN.  PLEASE SEND
PICTURES.  THANKS.

From Me to Juan:

Hi There!  You can have my couch if you are still looking for one.  Let me
know!  You can either email me or call me.

From Juan to Me: 

HI

I STILL NEED YOUR COUCH.
HOW BIG IS IT?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PICTURES?
WHY DO YOU NOT WANT IT ANYMORE?

YOU DID NOT GIVE ME YOUR PHONE NUMBER SO I CAN'T CALL YOU.

From Me to Juan:

Juan,

The couch can seat three normal people, or two fat people.  I don't have any
pictures because my camera is broken.  (I didn't realize it was in the garbage
disposal when I turned on the switch.)

I am getting rid of the couch because my grandfather passed away on it a
few weeks ago.  Every time I look at it, I am reminded of it, and I would rather
it not be in my apartment anymore.  Just give me a call and we can set up a
time for you to come get it.

From Juan to me:

IS THE COUCH STILL IN GOOD CONDITION?  YOU STILL DID NOT
GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER.

From me to Juan:

The couch is still in very good condition.  There are only a few minor
blemishes, but you can't really notice them.  There is a little bit of blood on
the couch and a pool of blood on the middle cushion from when my
grandfather shot himself.  I tried cleaning it with club soda, but it had really
soaked into the fabric by the time I found him.  The blood dried though, and
now it is kind of a brown-ish color that I think actually makes the couch look
better.  It is a brown couch anyway so you can't even notice it.

From Juan to me:

NO THANKS

From me to Juan:

Why not?  I thought we had a deal.  Is it because of the blood?  You can just
turn the cushion over and nobody will have any idea. 

From Juan to me:

THE COUCH IS COVERED IN BLOOD.  WHO WOULD WANT THAT?
GROSS!

From me to Juan:

Don't put words in my mouth.  I never said it was covered in blood - it just has
a little blood here and there.

I did forget to mention, I believe my grandfather defecated on the couch
when he died (the paramedics say it happens all the time.)  I cleaned most of
that up, but once again the couch is brown so you won't even notice it.

And this probably isn't a big deal, but he also had a cigar in his mouth and
when he died it set part of the couch on fire.  On the plus side, it did burn
away some of the old urine stains that the couch had on it.  The couch no
longer smells like urine.  It kind of smells like a barbecue, which is great if you
love barbecues.

From Juan to me:

THAT COUCH IS FUCKED
THROW IT OUT!

From me to Juan:

Why would you waste my time if you weren't going to take the couch?  I'm sick
of having to deal with people like you.  I'm just trying to get rid of a decent
couch, for free, and still people are wasting my time.

From Juan to me:

IF YOU TOLD ME UP FRONT THAT SOMEONE DIED AND SHIT ALL OVER
YOUR COUCH THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE WASTED ANY MORE OF YOUR
TIME!!
DON'T YOU SPIN THIS ON ME BY TELLING ME THE COUCH LOOKS GOOD
WITH BLOOD OR SMELLS LIKE A BBQ.  WHO THE FUCK WANTS A
COUCH THAT SMELLS LIKE BBQ.   IF I WANTED TO SMELL BBQ I WOULD
BUY A FUCKING GRILL

From me to Juan:

Would you be interested in the grill I am selling then?  It is a CharCooker 500
and has three burners.  Two of them don't work because my grandfather shot
at the grill when he was drunk, but the middle burner still cooks food really
well.  I'm asking $400 for it, and for you, I'll throw in a couch for free.

From Juan to me:

I DON'T WANT YOUR USELESS SHIT GUY!!!!

- DontEvenReply.com
Emails from an Asshole!

12 comments:

  1. Oh my God! Disgusting!

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  2. HAHAHA! I love that website. Thank you for introducing us to it a couple of months ago. I have it saved in my favorites now.

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  3. Thanks for the heads up. I am looking at the site now and getting a kick out of it. Now I have something to do all day. Yeah!

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  4. This is hilarious. Amazing how long some people will carry on a conversation!! I'll have to check out the site.

    Happy Friday!

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  5. LOL....funny way to start the wekend;)

    Have a great one!

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  6. found your blog through ROCK in the CTA. so glad i did---HILARIOUS!!!!!!!! thanks for the laughs.

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  7. Damn! That is really funny. GROSS, but funny! - Eric

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  8. it's like a missed connection... but with furniture and bodily fluids.

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  9. OMG, hilarious! Seriously, I am LOL!!

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  10. I am an instant fan... INSTANT I SAY!!!

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