Thursday, October 1, 2009

I Can Almost See It...

As many of you know, I injured my knee a couple of weeks ago.  Officially, it is a lateral ligament sprain.   Many of you also know that I am a runner, and I am planning on running the Chicago Marathon in less than 2 weeks.

This injury couldn't have come at a worse time. 

I have been busy, focusing on rehabilating my knee...constantly icing it, 'BenGay'ing it, wearing a brace, stretching it, doing the proper therapy exercises, etc...

Rehabbing is harder than actually training for the marathon!  Geesh!

Every time I apply pressure on my right leg, I feel the pain.  I am seeing some improvement; however, I am now down to 10 days away.  Ten days til the marathon...and I am starting to lose hope. 

I have been very patient, and it's been hard.  I want to get out there and start running again, to prove I can do it.  But i know I shouldn't. 

I'm not giving up hope completely.  I am still planning on completing this marathon!  It may take me forever, and I may have to walk most of it, but I haven't trained all summer for nothing.

Last year, I learned a lot about myself while training for the marathon. 
This year, in the last couple of weeks I am learning even MORE about myself having to train through this...

In the words of the great philospher...Miley Cyrus:

"Ain't about how fast I get there.  Ain't about what's waiting on the other side...
It's the Climb."

I'm sure that many of you are thinking, "Big Deal, Paul.  It's just another race..."

To some people, it may be.  But not to me. 

You see, I started running a few years back because I was dealing with bouts of depression.  When I would start to feel pretty low, I would go for a run, and then it seemed like I could solve all of my toughest problems in my head. 

Running releases endorphins.  I know that running has kept me sane, kept me going.

Two years ago, I made a goal for myself that I would be able to complete a marathon.  I did it last year...and in the process I discovered a newfound confidence, a self-worth that I didn't have before.  It has become my therapy...

So, you can imagine how awful these past 2 weeks have been, not being able to run at all.  I am pretty discouraged, yet have tried to hang on to some hope that my knee will heal itself.

I know it will heal eventually...but I am running out of time.  10 days to go...

"I can almost see it. That dream I'm dreaming, but
There's a voice inside my head saying, you'll never reach it"

At this point, I am hoping for a miracle.

I grew up very religious, very spiritual, but i admit that I have sort of come to this conclusion in recent years that religion is all a bunch of baloney.  I don't really even know if I believe that there is a God anymore, and that the bible is full of bogus stories.

However, at this point, I am not above trying a little prayer.  If miracles are possible, then  I really hope that I get one...

So if you believe in miracles, or the power or prayer...can you please say a little prayer for my leg to heal?  I am trying to keep an open mind here.

I am really hoping that in the next 10 days, my knee heals up enough...and that my legs will be really fresh and I can still finish with a great time.  You never know...

Which means I CAN'T give up yet.  I will still keep rehabbing...I will still keep eating well and stretching...

I am Proving something to myself here!  Proving how strong I really am.  Proving that I can conquer adversity.

"The struggles I'm facing.  The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down, but...No I'm not breaking.

I may not know it, but these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most
I've just gotta keep going"

Now, if you'll excuse me,  I need to apply some more BenGay...   :)


  1. Wow, what a moving post. I will definitely keep you in my prayers. I love you, Paulie!

  2. Paul, you have more character in your little finger than many people do in their whole bodies. As long as I've known you, you have always pushed yourself to be the best you can be. Listen to your body and don't do anything that will hurt you in the long run. But I am thinking good thoughts for you!

  3. I have complete faith in you! I'm sorry to hear about the depression you've dealt with, but your story is very inspiring. Dont give up.

  4. I really know you want to run this race, but please be careful. There will always be another one next year. However, I like how persistent you are. Most people would've given up by now.

  5. I will pray for full healing of your knee before the race. Remember though, if you arent able to run this marathon, maybe God has some other plan in store for you.

  6. Sending good thoughts your way, Paul. I'm confident that you'll be able to reach your goal of crossing the finish line. No matter what, you're still a hero in my eyes and always will be. Love you.

  7. My right foot is blown out. Maybe we can hold hands and hop the whole marathon together on our good left legs.

    And afterward we can grab dinner and swap depression stories. And compare notes on our disgust with religion. I didn't realize we had so much in common.

  8. I am so pathetic that I actually shed a couple of tears while reading this. I love you, and I know how much this means to you. No matter what happens, keep the faith. You have plenty of time to run many more races.

  9. Hang in there, Champ! Miley would want you to. :)

  10. Paul, I love reading your blog... each post adds to me a fresh, wonderful, new perspective. I wish you a lot of luck running or walking the marathon. I wish for the miracle for which you hope, but I also hope you take it easy. Tackling the road head on, hurdles are inevitable. It sounds, however, that those hurdles you've learned to jump without a flinch. I wish you the best of luck! -Adam

  11. If you want, I can give you a nice long massage. :) Just say the word...

  12. Paul, I am sorry to hear about your injury and the possibility of you not completing the Chicago Marathon, I completely understand and Identify with you on this issue(running)even though I am much older than you and slower, training and doing the Chicago Marathon is a big deal! I am on track so far...good luck to you!

  13. Who knew that Miley Cyrus could be so inspirational. haha! best wishes to you, paul!

  14. listen to your body. your good health is more important than a race.

  15. I can't even begin to tell you how much I love you for who you are. You are such a genuine person, and a great example of how you should treat people. No matter what happens, I know you will take this entire experience and grow from it. Wishing you the best, though!

  16. Yo, Paul! Hey man I will be running Chicago as well. That stinks about your knee. I have a macro-tear in a tendon in my right foot and have been icing it like crazy as well. How do you plan on getting to the race? Hit me on my email

  17. This will be my 4th full marathon. I know exactly what you mean. Even though you've already completed one, it doesn't make the next one any lesser. I guess you have to be a runner to realize this. Maybe its because we are always striving for something greater. Hopefully your knee will feel much better. 10 days is a long time. Remember that.

  18. I'm sorry to hear that throughout the years you came to the conclusion that God may not be real. Just know that he loves you and is looking over you. I pray that you will have the best race that you possibly can run.

  19. Paul--I know how tough it is to train and get injured and not run...that's what happened to me in May and I missed marathon in Pittsburgh. Stay off of it. Period. I know you've trained hard, but if the day comes, and you can't run, remember, there's always other marathons out there to run...when you're healthy. If you run on an injured ligament (ESPECIALLY the strain of 26 miles!) you can do even more permanent damage. But here I am, 4 months later healthier and prepping for Chicago... and that was only because I chose to think long term versus short term...I KNOW how tempting it can be!

  20. Kisses to your knee. I've been dealing with my own knee troubles. I hope yours heals quickly!

  21. I will definitely send positive vibes your way.

    But I'd also wish something else for you - if your leg DOESN'T heal in time, that instead of running those 26 miles, you'll sit back and think about how far you've come in the last couple of years.

    You possess a rare and precious quality, Paul - the ability to ask "why?" about the world around you, from the silly and funny to the deep and profound. So if nobody answers your prayer, or answers your question - "Why did this happen?" I would challenge you to listen to yourself for the answer.. it's probably lurking in there somewhere not too far below the surface. :)


  22. I haven't been as active as I used to be but I promise to try because I can and you and Jake can't (for now).

  23. Paul!

    I appreciate your determination to run the marathon but if you're genuinely hurt, is it wise to do so?

    What if you literally drop during the race?

    I hope your leg heals in time!

    I've heard exercise can ease depression but I never found that to be least for me. Running certainly gives me endurance, more energy for the day, and helps ease stress a bit, but the depression remains.

    Maybe I'm not running enough?

    Good luck and let us know if you make it to the marathon or not!