Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Get Out of My Way, You Inconsiderate Jerk!!!

One of the beautiful things about having a blog is that on occasion, I am able to take a moment to rant about pet peeves, or anything that really gets under my skin.

Yes. This is one of those times! hard is it to WALK TO THE RIGHT?

Seriously. It's like driving. When you stay to the right, everything flows much smoother.

It really isn't that hard of a concept is it? I mean, I am one of the "smarter" people alive today, so it could be that I am just merely expecting people with lower cognitive abilities to rise to my level. If that's it, then I apologize (because I wouldn't want to come across snooty...)

But in any case, it is time for a few Rules of Etiquette when walking down a sidewalk.

First, if you are walking with someone, or a small group of people, PLEASE MOVE when I pass by. It is RUDE to take up the entire width of the sidewalk and make me either step into the grass, or try to scramble to find a way around you. I don't care if you're newly in love and holding hands even. Move Over!

Second, if you are walking your dog and the leash is extended across the entire sidewalk & you have no intention of moving it, then you are ALSO being rude. "But it's my precious, CoCo..." Yeah, I don't give a sh*t, he's in my way! (...and yes, I have stepped on top of leashes before.)

Third...and this one I will be a little more sensitive towards because its easier to be guilty of... Just because someone isn't coming towards you while walking 2 or 3 abreast doesn't mean that someone isn't coming up behind you. As a runner, it is very frustrating to not be able to get by a gaggle of people taking up the entire sidewalk. Please move.

So, really the lesson here is GET THE F*CK OUT OF MY WAY!

Easy. See?

Now that we are all aware of the problem, here are a few things that you can do to get a 'tiny' bit of sweet revenge.

Gotta teach people somehow, right?

#1. The Accidental 'Trip.' If you are getting ready to pass by someone who is coming at you a little too closely, just sort of...extend your left foot out a couple more inches, and watch the stumbling begin! Of course, you can always apologize your way out of this. If the tripee gets defensive just say, "Sorry, i was walking as far to the right as I could to avoid you..."
(I'd wait a few seconds before grinning too big or mumbling *dumbass* under your breath...)

#2. The "Oops...I Didn't Mean to Hit You With My Bag." Many of us carry some kind of bag (shoulder bag, messenger bag, purse, etc.). For those who get a little too close, Don't be afraid to use it! If I am all the way to the right and you are STILL coming towards me, then you might just get a heavy blow into the shoulder. THIS IS YOUR WARNING. Move.

#3. (This is my personal favorite choice.) JUST STOP. That's right; stop walking and just stand there in front of them. This is a nice choice for someone who doesn't want to use violence and it still gets the point across. :)
However, you MUST stand your ground! Don't just stop there and then try to get out of their way a second later. That defeats the purpose! You must Stand Firm, look them in the eye with the look of "are you going to move out of my way, dumba$$?" It is really fun to watch them get indignant, realize they are actually in the wrong, and then fluster out of your way...all in the span of a second or two!

It's really fun.

LOOK, i don't ask for much from my fellow humans, but I do expect common decency and respect. When people are being ignorant or ridiculous, I will continue to call them out on it.

In this country, we stay to the right. We drive on the right, and we walk on the right!

Think of this as a good deed, my public service announcement to you all...

Now, don't get me started on rude bike riders...


  1. you read my mind! Working on Michigan Ave everyday I have to stop myself from pushing someone in front of a bus!

  2. This is Dave by the way :) Love you!

  3. I use the oops I didn't mean to hit you with my bag at least once a week!!

  4. Thank you! It's good to see that I'm not the only one who feels this way! :)

  5. How about moving to the right when you're riding the escalator like you're at the goddamn carnival? It is moving stairs people, hence the word STAIRS. You should still walk up them, if you prefer the tilt-a-whirl more, move over so I can squeeze past your rolling purse or beware my pointy elbow so near your eye as I hustle by. Whoops!

  6. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Brooke!
    So true! I could probably write another whole blog just about that topic!

  7. I was thinking about the escalator the entire time I was reading this. I'm vocal and pushy on escalators, though. I learned that REALLY quick while living in Ukraine (though to be fair, they have mile long escalators - one of which is the longest in the world - into their metro, which is a make-shift bomb shelter). I'm not shy to yell, "Stand right, walk left." Most move. Others get my hand on their shoulder to make room for me.

    Now don't get me started on people who let the door close in others' faces.

  8. could not agree with you more.
    love your blog!

    san francisco

  9. I absolutely LOVE watching people wearing backpacks in a crowded CTA car/bus start spinning as I push a dumbass while "trying" to get past them.

  10. oh boy! that is just too much! you are DEAD on! SO ANNOYING!

  11. When I'm rollerblading along the lake or running anywhere I've developed great skill in the passive-aggressive-body-check. I have literally pushed people out of my way and said sorry. One time I rollerbladed over a woman's toe, obviously on purpose, she was walking with three other friends that were entirely blocking the bike path. I grunted, "sorry stupid" as I hit her. :-)

  12. UGH. You are so right. I could have used this blog post on my way down Wacker Drive this morning. For REAL!

  13. Oh My God! Whoever just wrote about Wacker Drive this morning: you are SO right! There was a Tour Bus of Tourists who were walking down the street taking pictures at everything. I was like 10 minutes late for work because I couldn't get around them! Go back to Des Moines, people! HA!


  15. If you think it's bad in America, just IMAGINE how it is in India!

  16. I found your blog through my friend Asha (look above - Hi Asha! - HA!). I really enjoy your writing. Keep up the good work. And if you have some free time, come read mine. Thank you.

  17. Hi Asha and Swati! Thanks for reading. I hope you will continue to read frequently. By the way, I checked out your blogs as well. Very interesting stuff.

  18. I'm gonna go ahead and add this one: If it's raining, and you have one of those GIGANTIC umbrellas, go ahead and move on over as well. Otherwise, you're gonna get a poke in the ribs from me and my small, normal sized umbrella. I know you stupid witches melt when just a little bit of water touches you, but you're really killing me with the trailer sized umbrellas here. Come on now.