Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Kelly Clarkson...What The Heck Are You Singing?

I went for a nice 8 mile run yesterday, and while I was out on the path this song came on my iPod and provided instant inspiration.

It was Kelly Clarkson's, "I Do Not Hook Up."

I was about 6 miles into my run, and the infectious beat was just what I needed for a quick pick me up in order to help me through the final stretch. The song, which poses as a rock song with it's guitar riffs and Kelly's almost-screaming vocals, is a pretty successful pop it fits the criteria for frequent radio airplay.

Since it helped me to pick up my pace, i decided to play it one more time. So, i was still pumped up and getting ready to hear it again, when it hit me:

"What the hell kind of song is this???"

The lyrics to this song are some of the sh*ttiest lyrics I have ever heard! (Seriously...if you haven't heard the song, please youtube it!)

The song is basically an anthem for what the title says; Not hooking up. ????

However, the lyrics are ALL over the place!

First of all, who in their right mind sings a hip, pop/rock song, excited about not getting to hook up? I mean this song comes across like A PARTY! Oh Kelly...Why???

This song is definitely more suited for a Disney star like Miley Cyrus or the Jonas Brothers. (Wait...nevermind about Miley. She's probably been shacking up regularly!)

Check out some of these lyrics:

"Slow motion sparks, you caught that chill;
Now don't deny it
But Boys will be boys, oh yes they will
And I want to define it
Just give up the Game and get into me
If you're looking for thrills then get cold feet"


Can someone please translate..or better yet, DECIPHER this for me?

Here's part of the chorus:

"If you want me, I don't come cheap
Keep your head in my hand, your heart on my sleeve."

"I feel the distance between us could be over
with the snap of your finger"

WHAT THE F***???

I mean, I guess i could kind of see what she is trying to say...Maybe I'm just not up to date on my cliches...

Well...clearly Kelly Clarkson, our original wholesome American Idol must've written this song, right?

No! The song was written by Kara DioGuardi, the newest judge on American Idol. Yes, the same Kara who was responsible for the shittious single "No Boundaries" that Kris Allen & Adam Lambert had to suffer through during this year's finale week!

Oh...that explains it!

Kara is also responsible for such AMAZING gems such as, "Screwed," by Paris Hilton and, "L.O.V.E." by Ashlee Simpson.
She also wrote a song for singer Mya called, "My Bra."
Align Left
No, I'm not joking...
Here's a GENIUS lyric from that tune:
"My strength, my sun, my heart
When it's just too hard to take it
When it's just too hard to make it through another day
You're lifting me up
My bra, my bra, my bra..."
I sure hope that is slang for something.
I mean...I know that bras offer support, but I don't think of a bra when I think of trying to survive another day!
To be fair, yes...Kara has written a couple of 'better' songs (like "Sober" by Pink), so I will give her credit for that...and she does get credit for penning quite a few bubble gum pop tunes that have saturated Top40 radio over the past few years. However, overall her songs are pretty crappy lyrically. (Look them up on Wikipedia...songs written by Kara'll see what i mean!)
But Kelly, you are not off the hook!!!
You may not have written this peice of sh*t, but you DECIDED TO SING IT!

Nobody put a gun to your head and told you that you had to belt out this song. In fact, I bet you don't even realize what you are singing!
Not wanting to hook up....What is Wrong with you??? You are an adult now!
It's a good thing you have "Since U Been Gone" and "Behind These Hazel Eyes" in the bag, young lady!
I forgive you...simply because the song has such an infectious beat! In fact, now I can't get it out of my head!


  1. Who cares!! It helps you run faster! =0)

  2. Great post Paul!! I had to repond!
    However let's not blame it on Kelly or Kara, let's blame it on America. I have a couple ideas:
    1st - She tried her introspective, moody edgy album last time with My December and it failed although the lyrics and songs are uh-mazing - America didnt buy it...why? Because she is known as basically america's pop sweetheart not an edgy angry Alanis. America feels the need to label and keep artists in a certain genre...remeber Jewel's dance album '0304'?..prob not..America didnt but it cuz they like her as a folk singer who lived in her car. Now on Kelly's new album, America is buying again because it the same pop crap that won over the American last time! Although lyrically crappy...musically and beat wise, it's what peeps want.
    2nd - Unfortunately, apparently she needs to 'sell out' or 'return to her roots' but let's not blame her, she needs to pay the bills too and return to her pop sweetheart title.
    3rd - I love Kelly and will buy all her albums. She is a a true artist who will take chances with her music (on occasion), her clothes (hire a stylist) and her weight (get a trainer).. LOL
    4th - 'I do not hook up' is the worst song on the record in my opinion!

  3. Tony, thank you for your novel! :)
    I have to agree...I kind of prefer my Kelly a little more watered down.

    The song is very catchy! And most people won't even bat an eye at the lyrics. I just happened to hear a couple of lines and thought, "Huh?"

    However, i can't help but like listening to it. From the first beats, i'm hooked...

  4. Since when have you started expecting to find poetry in pop-music lyrics? I stopped listening to lyrics the day "Lucky Star" was released.

  5. Jake, I don't expect poetry. I don't even expect great lyrics in POP music.

    I do expect them to at least make sense...

  6. Can’t believe Kris won this $hit this year! That guy sounds like just another singer around. He might be the “winner” but I don’t think he’ll have a good career out of that boy next door crap! Adam is unique and LITERALLY rocks the show! As for Kara… She is so funny. Did you see her and bikini girl? She killed it. Love Kara after that one!@

  7. BLAME Kara! Although she has a voice, that crack puss has some nerve writing absolute trash and passing it off to contracted artists while on her way to the bank. Laughing, I'm sure, about the misfourtune of sweet Kelly. Let Madonna sing Lucy Star, even flatly; it's better then the tortuous prattle from Kara the A$$ clown.

  8. uh oh uh oh, I-do-not-hook uh-up uh-up! ;)

  9. Does Kara know where somes dead bodies are buried?!? I don't know how else to explain why she is on the show. I've heard Simon is leaving so maybe AI thought she could fill his spot...hmmm, I don't think so!! Face it...everyone listens to Randy cause they want to see how many times he's gonna use DAWG in his comment; Paula may deflect giving a negative critique by saying something about the contestant's clothes or their personality, but she's cute, sweet and she wears interesting outfits (I think we're all waiting to see if she's gonna pull a Janet Jackson with her wardrobe too); and everyone hangs on Simon's every word cause he actually knows what he's talking about. Judging from research I have done, I don't think ANYONE pays attention to what Kara says. And what's up with her waving her arms and bobbing her head around while she's talking? It looks like she's swatting gnats or something!! I've got a great idea; since AI is big into promoting charity to Africa, they can get rid of Kara and donate her salary to the charity. That's one way she could do some good!!

  10. I AGREE WITH YOU BROOKE! you couldn't have said it any better. That A$$ CLown better watch out because there are a lot of people who can't stay posers like her. Je$u$ Chri$t!

  11. I go back and forth with Kara. While I do like she has industry experience I'm not sure I like the dreck she is so good at getting sold, but that's my personal problem, back to Kara.
    Sometimes she does a good job when she isn't having a sexuality attack or confusing artistry with doing things the exact way someone else wants you to do it rather than actually expressing who you are. Now I can see a songwriter wanting to control the artistry of the singer who wants to do something other than the writers vision for the song. But I don't see doing what you are told to do as being artistry. It can be a wise career move if you can find a way to be happy like that...

    {cue Pink} LA told me, "You'll be a pop star,
    All you have to change is everything you are."

    ...or at least pick really good advisers to tell you exactly what to do. However that kind of artistry often comes off as artificial to me. *shrug*